


starving while living

by garageway



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, also he smoaks wead, i am just having fun ok, kaworu is a human and has problems ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2020-07-28 22:23:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 34,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20071561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/garageway/pseuds/garageway
Summary: a very self-indulgent anorexic shinji fic.





	1. unfamiliar angels

**Author's Note:**

> so, i watched eva on netflix, and the kawoshins stole my heart...
> 
> of course i started projecting onto shinji, so heres a fic where shinji has some of the same issues as me and kaworu is there to help him through it. bc the portrayal of anorexia is based on some of my personal experiences, they may not be representative of everyones experiences, and i also have to give a semi heavy trigger warning as it goes into sort of high levels of description when it comes to how it manifests in shinjis mind and his insecurities and all.
> 
> im terrible at actually finishing fics, and im about to go into my senior year of high school so ill be busy, but im having a good time so far. i might have to add more tags somewhere down the line because im writing this as i go along. anyway, enjoy!

It started as a way for Shinji to punish himself.

He figured that, being such a worthless waste of space, he might as well be sure to minimize how much space he wasted. So he stopped bringing lunches to school. When Touji and Kensuke asked about it, he merely shrugged and made up an excuse.

“I woke up late this morning, so I didn’t have time to make myself a lunch,” Shinji said. His friends ignored the fact that Asuka still had a lunch. They both knew she didn’t possess the kind of culinary skill required to put it together.

“We didn’t have many groceries… Misato hasn’t visited the shop in a while,” he confessed sheepishly, rubbing at the back of his neck. Touji and Kensuke had known him long enough to identify when he was lying -- the blush creeping around from his ears to his cheeks was a dead giveaway.

“I ate a big breakfast this morning, so I’m not hungry right now.” This excuse was punctuated by a growl from his stomach that made it all the less convincing. Once he got tired of trying to come up with excuses, Shinji stopped sitting with them for lunch altogether.

“I’m not feeling up to talking today, guys,” Shinji said morosely, looking towards the clouds above him. The sun was burning his face and blinding his eyes as he tilted his head in its direction. Normally, the trio sat under a tree in the courtyard for lunch. Their conversations were a break from the monotony of Shinji’s typically morbid thoughts, and he found it comforting to be able to talk about nothing for a whole thirty minutes. It let him get away from himself. The problem was that Shinji couldn’t bear to push Touji and Kensuke away and also couldn’t bear to keep them close.

“Alright, Shinji. Hope you’re feeling up to par soon,” Kensuke said. He sounded uncharacteristically quiet and sincere. Shinji felt some sort of guilt at hearing his tone of voice. _ I’m only trying to make myself disappear, and I somehow still manage to ruin things. _

“Hit me up if you want to ride bikes or something later,” Touji added. Shinji nodded absently, still avoiding eye contact, and wandered in the direction of the nature trail. Touji looked towards Kensuke and the two shared a meaningful glance. It had become clear to them since meeting Shinji that he wasn’t an entirely stable person, and also that he preferred to suffer in silence. With this in mind, they had both started to worry, though neither wanted to say it directly.

“Something’s up with him,” declared Touji. He flopped onto the grass below him, hands supporting his head as he glared at the sky. Kensuke mirrored his actions and hummed in agreement.

Shinji found walking the nature trail to be another adequate place to escape his thoughts, anyway. The pain could be poetic instead of raw if he thought about it while dappled by the light that fell through a canopy of trees. _ I’m burning more calories by walking during lunch than sitting, too, _ said the voice that had started to take up residence in his head as of late. He had started enjoying the pangs of emptiness in his stomach because they signified his proficiency in starving. He liked to know how disciplined he had become. The hunger was the one pain he had control of, and he liked feeling light and pure. Sometimes standing up made him feel like he was walking on air; the desks would swim in front of his eyes and his lips would buzz. It meant his efforts were successful. Stepping on the scale and seeing he weighed half a pound less than last time meant he was successful, and watching his bones as they began to protrude from his wrists meant he was successful, too.

Misato and Asuka didn’t seem to notice much out of the ordinary so far. Shinji was careful to keep it that way. He kept making their food the same as always, giving himself smaller portions and only eating half.

“Shinji, are you really full after that? You’ve barely touched the rice,” Misato asked one night. Shinji stiffened imperceptibly. Rice had too many calories to eat.

“I think the antidepressants are taking my appetite away…” he replied, hoping Misato would blame his tenseness on the fact that he hated to divulge details about his treatment, mental health, personal problems, thoughts, feelings, and opinions. She seemed to buy it and nodded sympathetically.

“Well, make sure to bring it up next time we see your psychiatrist. You’re looking a bit too thin.” Shinji nodded in agreement, leaned back in his seat, and closed his eyes. The ceiling fan cast shadows across the velvet red insides of his eyelids as it turned lazily past the lightbulb.

“I’m sure it’ll be back with a vengeance soon,” he lied.

His pants were starting to feel loose lately. He tightened his belt another notch when he stood in front of the mirror the next morning.

Shinji couldn’t decide if it was harder to be alone or around others anymore. Sometimes he enjoyed being with Touji, Kensuke, or Asuka, and other times they were completely unbearable. He found their presences to be far too overwhelming. He often stared off into space, retreating inside of himself to keep from screaming. Kensuke would have to tap him on the shoulder to alert him when he’d been asked a question. Even though he was unable to function in a group setting, though, his friends seemed to appreciate him anyway. It made him feel even guiltier about his behavior. On the other hand, Shinji felt suffocated by his own thoughts when he went without company. It was like his mind was always contradicting itself in order to make him suffer as much as possible; he felt sure that no one cared about him, but also hated opening up because he didn’t want to hurt the ones who cared about him. He would never talk about his problems because he hated the attention, but he desperately wanted that very same attention. The constant tugging was so difficult that most days Shinji could do nothing but lay in bed and feel his own stomach trying to eat itself in desperation.

It was lunch on a Tuesday when he saw Rei Ayanami during his walk. She was in his class, but they had never interacted before. She seemed quiet and reserved from what Shinji could tell. She was sitting primly on a bench that was built into a wooden bridge which crossed a small brook. Her feet and knees were together, her hands folded delicately in her lap like two paper cranes. She stared not at the running water or the trees but straight ahead. She seemed translucent, so peaceful and out of place that she could have been superimposed on the scenery around her. Her hair was blue and her eyes were red. Shinji didn’t know what possessed him, but he sat down next to Rei after a moment of consideration. He didn’t bother taking out even one earbud of his SDAT. She didn’t seem to mind.

Sitting with Rei without a word passing between them became his new routine. He was fairly accustomed to it after three weeks. One day, the routine was altered.

“Ikari.”

Shinji hurriedly removed his earbuds. Her voice could barely be heard above the music. “Yes?”

“Would you mind if I had a friend visit us at lunch?” Her voice didn’t bother changing inflections to demonstrate that she was asking a question, as if receiving an answer were as inconsequential as which way the wind chose to blow.

“I suppose not,” Shinji answered.

“Okay,” Rei said, and they didn’t talk again. Eventually the bell rang and they walked together to class, as they had done every day since Shinji started sitting with her. After they arrived, Shinji tried to discreetly watch for a hint of who Rei was even friends with, but she didn’t seem to talk to anyone. The only time she so much as opened her mouth was to answer the teacher when she was called on. Though Rei was quiet, Shinji never felt awkward around her. He felt that they were somehow kindred spirits. He could only hope that whatever friend she brought would be the same.

“Say, Asuka, you don’t happen to know anyone who’s friends with Ayanami, do you?” Shinji asked in what he hoped was a nonchalant tone as he and his roommate trudged home that afternoon. The sky was richly orange with a few cream-covered clouds. Shinji felt he could certainly go for a Creamsicle. Frozen flavored water couldn’t be that many calories. Maybe they’d stop at a convenience store… Shinji added, “Also, do you want to get popsicles?”

“Hold on a second,” Asuka said, glaring at him accusatorially. “You disappear at lunch for a week because you don’t want your friends to see you’re not eating, and now you’re asking about Ayanami and popsicles? What the hell is wrong with you, Shinji?”

“It’s been three weeks, actually…” Shinji muttered uselessly.

“Like I’d notice how long you’re absent from my life.” She rolled her eyes and sighed before continuing in a softer tone. “No, I don’t know who Ayanami’s friends with. Is that who you sit with at lunch now?”

“Yes. In the forest.”

“You guys are such weirdos,” Asuka lamented. She turned onto a sidestreet. Shinji stopped, looking confused. She sighed again with fervor. “The convenience store is this way.”

Shinji’s face lit up. As mean as Asuka could be, she was always there for him when he desperately needed Creamsicles.

“So… why aren’t you eating?” she asked casually between bites of her cherry popsicle once they were back on their way home. If there was anything Asuka wasn’t, it was hard to read. Shinji knew she was worried. He trained his eyes on his feet.

“I think the medication is making my appetite smaller,” Shinji said. Asuka made a noise of surprise.

“I didn’t know you were taking medication.”

“Yeah. The psychiatrist has been testing out different antidepressants for a while,” Shinji explained.

“I didn’t even know you were seeing a psychiatrist,” Asuka said, arms crossed and a look flickering in her features that Shinji couldn’t quite make out with his head down. Shinji shrugged. “You can always talk to me, y’know,” she continued.

“You probably didn’t notice because you spend a lot of time out of the house these days.” Shinji risked a glance in her direction to make sure she hadn’t taken it as an accusation. “Anyway, I prefer not to bother other people with my problems,” Shinji murmured, eyebrows knitting together.

“It’d only be a little bit of a bother,” Asuka promised. Shinji laughed quietly at that.

When Shinji threw away the remaining half of his dinner that night, no one questioned it.

Shinji woke up in the morning feeling some mix of dread and anticipation. He figured Rei’s question was pertaining to today’s lunch and that he’d be meeting her friend today. He was curious, preoccupied even; he was pretty sure he’d dreamt about it, but he couldn’t remember much except something about pianos. Whoever this friend would be, Shinji wasn’t especially a fan of change, and he only hoped that they wouldn’t be too loud or rambunctious. He doubted any friend of Rei’s would be, though. He hoped he’d be making another acquaintance who was quiet and thoughtful.

Once lunch came, Shinji made the now-familiar trek to their spot on the bridge. He felt somewhat confused to see Rei sitting in exactly the same way she always did, but noticed a second figure as he approached. It was a boy. He was sitting far more casually than Rei, but not in an impolite way. It suggested great comfort with his body. Shinji was momentarily jealous. His head was tilted into the sunlight, his eyes closed, humming Beethoven. His arms acted as a pillow for his silver hair to rest on. His relaxation was pleasant and inviting, so that Shinji didn’t feel he was intruding even while waking him out of his reverie with the leaves that crunched below his feet. He wore a long-sleeved shirt despite the fact that it was rather warm out.

He cocked his head in Shinji’s direction and opened one red eye.

“Good afternoon, Shinji,” he called, and his voice sounded warm and smooth. Shinji’s face reddened a bit as he lifted a hand in a shy wave. Rei looked towards him as well.

“Ikari, this is Nagisa,” she explained.

Nagisa let his head return to its pillow and closed his eye once again. “You’re so formal, Rei. You can call me Kaworu.”

“Ah… okay,” Shinji said, and took his usual seat next to Rei. Feeling a little strange, he pulled out his SDAT and placed his earbuds in his ears. A few minutes passed before he lifted his head in surprise to see Kaworu had moved to sit on his other side and was tapping his shoulder curiously. Shinji plucked out an earbud. Kaworu was giving him a smile brighter than the sun.

“What are you listening to?” he asked.

“I don’t listen to anything good,” Shinji said. Kaworu tilted his head quizzically, a little pout appearing worriedly on his face. Shinji was immediately reminded of a puppy.

“Hmm. I’m sure that’s not true,” he reassured him, the blinding smile returning.

“The Smiths,” Shinji answered, relenting. Kaworu’s eyebrows raised and he made a dramatic face of surprise, grabbing one of Shinji’s hands.

“I love them! Morrissey’s lyrical talents are matched by none,” Kaworu said, ignoring Shinji’s spluttering at their touching hands. Kaworu leaned back again, expression returning to its state of rapturous relaxation as he quietly sung a few lines of “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out.” Shinji nodded in wide-eyed agreement, gaze still fixed on their linked fingers.

“I’m sorry Nagisa is so forward,” Rei said. Her voice was always quiet and rapid, but someone with as much experience in handling her as Kaworu knew how to read its fluctuations. She was distinctly amused at his carefree attitude.

“I’m not too forward, Rei, I’m just too honest for my own good,” he said airily. Shinji tried to extract his hand.

He found that he didn’t want to.

Instead, he arranged his earbuds so that he could offer one to Kaworu, then returned his hand to Kaworu’s. Shinji set his palm atop the back of Kaworu’s hand gently, and they stayed that way while exchanging comments about each song that they listened to.

“We have to go back to class soon,” Rei said some time later.

Shinji made a noise of agreement. “What class are you in, anyway, Kaworu?”

“None,” Kaworu said, grinning. “I’m in charge of my own studies.”

“Ah, you’re a rebel?” Shinji asked amusedly, shocked slightly by his own daring and the speed at which he’d become fairly comfortable around Kaworu. Kaworu hummed in agreement.

“Yeah, that’s me. I prefer to study philosophy and literature on my own terms rather than some old man’s,” Kaworu continued.

“How pretentious,” Rei said. The combination of her soft spoken nature, affection for Kaworu, and proclivity for attacking him with every word had Shinji laughing past the last bell ringing out across the grounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soo, i hope that was enjoyable! i gave them my taste in music because i dont know shit about classical or japanese synthpop, haha... (plus, shoutout to everyone whos been waiting on me to finish a fanfiction i wrote about the smiths in freshman year. oops...) i dont have a sense of what time period this is supposed to be in, its got a sort of retro feel i think, but lets just say morrissey isnt a fuckup in this universe.
> 
> sorry for any jarring tonal shifts, oocness, shitty writing, etc. its my first time writing eva characters! i already have another chapter written though. im hoping for weekly updates, or to upload whenever i finish the next chapter so i can stay ahead. i think itll only be about 4-6 chapters, but who knows, maybe the characters will start acting WACKY. also, sorry i write so much in the notes, i am a nervous little man. comments and kudos appreciated as always, blah blah blah, see you next chapter.


	2. spending time

Each day, Shinji brought a new album to share with Kaworu. Sometimes he even spent an hour in the evening putting together the perfect thirty minute mix. Kaworu knew a lot of the artists, but not all; Shinji, in turn, knew many of the ones Kaworu mentioned in conversation. His music taste was surprisingly dark for someone who seemed so at peace with himself. Shinji mentioned this thought one day while they were discussing the etiquette of wearing an Unknown Pleasures shirt. Kaworu hummed.

“You haven’t always known me,” he said mysteriously, and Shinji was left to turn and look at Rei for a hint. She was looking the other way, inscrutable as ever.

“Feels like I have,” Shinji murmured, though it had only been a few weeks. His mouth had formed the words without permission from his mind -- he didn’t even remember thinking them. His hands flew up to cover his face. “That was weird… sorry.”

Kaworu was smiling sweetly, though. “No, I get what you mean. We have a lot in common.”

Rei stood up. “The bell is going to ring in a few minutes,” she said, and started walking back down the path.

“You’re right,” Shinji said, standing up to follow, but Kaworu grabbed his wrist before he could leave.

“Shinji, you should skip the rest of the day,” he suggested, only a glint in his eye giving away the fact that it was nearly a plea. _ That’s why Rei left early, _ Shinji thought, _ so he could ask if I wanted to hang out. I bet they planned this. _He was suddenly aware that his mouth was dry and several awkward moments had passed while they were frozen in place.

“Well… it’s Friday, so I doubt we’ll be doing anything too hard in class,” Shinji said lamely.

“I already told Rei to keep you up to date with whatever assignments you have.”

“I _ knew _ you two collaborated on this,” Shinji muttered, but the malice in his tone was wholly unconvincing. Kaworu stood up next to him and moved his fingers to meet Shinji’s.

“Come on, my house is just past the fence,” he said, knowing he had won. One of his lovely smiles was gracing his face. “Anyway, I own an Unknown Pleasures shirt, but that’s because I like the album.”

Shinji had nearly forgotten their earlier conversation already. “Oh… yeah, I have one too.”

“Let’s match sometime,” Kaworu said, and they walked towards the edge of the school grounds. He dropped Shinji’s hand to jump the old wooden fence that marked the boundary once they reached it, but Shinji looked at it skeptically instead of following. The fence’s structural integrity seemed questionable. Kaworu’s face appeared, peeking over the top. “Come on, climb over it!”

“This thing is gonna give me splinters,” Shinji groaned, but started gracelessly clambering over it nonetheless. Kaworu scoffed at his complaint. Shinji’s feet returned safely to the ground on the other side quickly and painlessly.

“Great job!” Coming from anyone else, it would sound sarcastic, but Kaworu was practically a different species. His face was showing only a completely genuine grin.

“I guess,” Shinji said, brushing off his hands and knees. Kaworu put a hand to his own chin and looked up towards his brain like a caricature of a thinking person.

“So, what are we gonna do now?” Kaworu asked.

“What? You’re the one who planned out asking me to skip school with you!” Shinji spluttered in disbelief.

Kaworu nodded sagely. “That’s true,” he admitted, “but I didn’t get this far in my plans. I kind of thought you’d just go to class.”

“And miss out on more music discussion time? No way,” Shinji said. _ Not to mention the fact that I feel a constant pull towards you, _ he thought, and the thought passed unnoticed through his mind. He wasn’t quite ready to unpack that yet.

“Why don’t we just go to my house and listen to some records for now?” Kaworu suggested. He had a face that he made for just a moment at the end of nearly every sentence: he would knock his head to one side, shut his eyes, and smile a secret smile. It was incredibly disarming. Shinji nodded, then took Kaworu’s hand again with a shy look.

He wasn’t sure why Kaworu affected him this way. Shinji normally found it hard to open up to people, or even talk to them. He didn’t make eye contact. Many of his friends barely even knew his favorite color or season -- Asuka lived with him and probably couldn’t list his favorite bands. But now Kaworu could. Kaworu was holding his hand. And Shinji found that he wanted to keep telling him things and keep holding his hand. When they were together, it felt like they were uniquely bonded as a team fighting against the monotony of the world. Shinji had never met someone before whose thoughts could match his beat for beat like they were playing a duet together, so he supposed that was why he was so intrigued by him -- why thirty minutes a day wasn’t enough anymore.

“Do you play guitar?” Kaworu asked, glancing towards Shinji.

“Huh?” Shinji said, caught off guard. “Oh. No, but I play cello a little bit. Why?”

“I can feel the calluses on your fingertips,” Kaworu said. He picked up Shinji’s hand to look at it and stroked his fingers for emphasis. Shinji felt his face heating up. Actually, he thought he might cry. Gentle, soothing touches weren’t something he received from others on a regular basis. Or ever.

Kaworu returned their hands to their sides, still joined, and smiled at him again. The trees were thinning out now, and the street ahead could be seen. The path they were taking was a well-traipsed maze designated by the lack of grass due to constant use.

“My house is another quarter-mile or so past the trees,” Kaworu said, seemingly unaffected by such displays of affection. Shinji nodded. He supposed Kaworu acted like this with everyone he knew. He seemed beyond human constructs like the boundaries of friendly and romantic gestures anyway.

Kaworu’s house was empty. He explained that his parents were separated and his father often left on business trips as a response to the curious glances Shinji cast around while he removed his shoes. He hardly waited for Shinji’s socked feet to cross the threshold and close the door behind him before bounding up the stairs. Once Shinji had followed him, he was greeted by his grinning face peeking around a doorframe.

“This is my room,” Kaworu said, and disappeared fully. Said room was moderately large and stylishly furnished, with cool toned bedsheets and furnishings. His bookshelf was a mess, with cult movies stacked haphazardly next to countless classic novels. Kaworu had stationed himself alertly on his bed, watching Shinji explore the place he fell asleep every night. Shinji wandered over to the shelf, scanning authors and titles that ranged from Salinger to Dostoevsky -- Kaworu seemed to like fairly miserable reading. He liked foreign films, too, but he had a few cheesy romance movies and even some shoujo manga shoved into one corner. Next to the bookshelf was his turntable setup.

His record player was an updated vintage one. It was nicer than Shinji’s, which had a built-in preamp and was hooked up to subpar speakers. It seemed a lot of Kaworu’s turntable parts had been changed out for higher-end pieces.

“Did you build this yourself?” Shinji asked curiously, examining the stylus he used.

“Well, I started from a midrange Technics I found at the secondhand store, and I added some extras,” Kaworu said proudly. “That stylus is nice. It’s detailed and doesn’t fatigue your ears.”

Shinji, in that moment, felt understood.

Next he crouched down to survey Kaworu’s record collection. He had a lot of post-punk records, to be expected, but also seemed to be fond of a lot of indie bands Shinji had only heard of in various music publications.

“You’re way too cool for me,” Shinji muttered, too nervous to pick a record for fear of choosing one that wasn’t one of Kaworu’s favorites.

“No way,” Kaworu said emphatically. “I think you’re the one who’s too cool for me. Pick out any record that catches your eye. I like all of them.”

Shinji sighed, and after a few more moments of thought, he picked a Talking Heads record he was fond of.

“Good choice! David Byrne is one of my idols,” Kaworu exclaimed, and he shifted so he was lying down with his hands behind his head.

“He’s a genius,” Shinji agreed, climbing experimentally onto the bed to lie next to Kaworu. He listened to the music for a few beats, letting himself relax.

“Do you smoke weed?” Kaworu asked. Shinji, having just gotten comfortable, jumped up again.

“What? No,” he said. Kaworu cracked up at his reaction and sat up with him. “What? Do I look like I do?”

“No, I was just curious,” Kaworu giggled. “I guess I’ll wait a bit longer to introduce you to drugs, anyway. I wouldn’t want to sully your purity.”

Bizarrely, Shinji’s stomach twisted in a way that was wholly new to him at that. “You’re so weird,” he muttered. His face was red. But he wasn’t unhappy; in fact, he was very happy to be teased by Kaworu.

“Hey, want something to eat?” Kaworu asked a little while later. “I sit with you at lunch every day and I’ve never seen you eat,” he mused.

“I’m not a big fan of… eating,” Shinji said awkwardly.

“Okay. Well, I’m going to get some chips or something, and you can have some if you want,” Kaworu said, standing and padding downstairs. Shinji looked miserably at his reflection in the unlit TV ahead of him. He didn’t seem thin yet.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Kaworu said, interrupting Shinji’s momentary lapse into self-loathing. He had returned to the bedroom with a bowl of popcorn in hand.

“Yeah, sure,” Shinji agreed, “but nothing too… uh… thought-provoking, please.” He glanced warily at Kaworu’s French arthouse film collection and Kaworu giggled.

“Okay, I’ll find something easy,” Kaworu promised, setting his snack on the bed and crouching to read the spines of the many jewel cases. “Please help yourself to some popcorn.”

“No, thank you,” Shinji said quickly.

Kaworu turned his head to look at him with eyebrows knitted together.

“Please. You’re very thin, and I’m worried about you.”

Shinji felt his heart skip several beats as blood rushed to his face. He looked down, suddenly very ashamed of his childish refusal to eat. But he still couldn’t bear to put calories into his stomach. When he swallowed food, all he could think of was the image of it sticking to his bones and filling out his skin, and he couldn’t look in the mirror when his stomach wasn’t hollow anymore. So, maybe he had a small eating problem. Maybe it had gone beyond just punishing himself. He still wanted to waste away for the sake of others, and there was a new addition of wanting to be lighter than air. He wanted to see his reflection with all its bones protruding. But he wasn’t anywhere near _ dying_, so it wasn’t worth worrying about.

“I’m not going to die or anything, so please don’t bother thinking about me,” he murmured weakly. Kaworu looked away again and sighed, pulling out a DVD.

“Okay. Well, we’re gonna watch Bill & Ted, and we’re going to laugh, and I’ll feed you kernels of popcorn by hand if it means you’ll eat,” Kaworu said. Shinji smiled faintly, still staring down at his hands.

“Maybe I’ll eat a few pieces.”

Kaworu had inserted the disc and started the movie. He plopped himself onto the bed next to Shinji again. “Open up,” he said, gingerly picking up just one piece of popcorn and putting it in front of Shinji’s mouth. Shinji’s head was tilted down as he looked up at Kaworu through his bangs.

“You don’t actually have to feed me by hand, I was joking,” he said bashfully.

“I do have to, because I don’t think you’ll feed yourself. Only a few pieces, Shinji. There’s no butter.”

Shinji looked distrustfully at the fluffy white thing Kaworu held between his pointer finger and thumb, and then opened his mouth. There was that face again -- Kaworu tilted his head and closed his eyes while showing off his dazzling smile for just a moment. Shinji felt dizzy every time he saw it. Kaworu set the popcorn on his tongue.

“There,” he said, satisfied. He turned his attention to the movie.

_ How is he so calm? He just fed me by hand_, Shinji thought, mind and heart racing in sync as he chewed and even swallowed the piece of popcorn. When he looked at Kaworu, his face was entirely pleasant, just watching the movie intently with a slight smile. He glanced over and met Shinji’s eyes, and Shinji felt embarrassed at having been caught.

“I actually love this movie, even though it’s technically quite terrible,” Kaworu said mildly.

“Oh… yeah. It’s really fun,” Shinji agreed, trying desperately to start thinking about what he saw during the five minutes of the movie that had passed before he started comprehending the light and noise being emitted by the television.

“Keanu is so damn cute, I just wanna…” Kaworu made a cheek-pinching motion in the air and scrunched his own face up affectionately. “He’s like a little puppy dog. The way he moves his head after every line.”

Both of them compulsively repeated every overly wordy turn of phrase and enthusiastic interjection in the movie before breaking down into giggles.

“Bodacious,” Shinji would snicker.

“Sixty-nine,” Kaworu would mutter, elbowing Shinji lightly in the ribs. Shinji slapped harmlessly at him, cracking up.

“Shut up, stupid,” he said, and felt just a little bit pleased at how easy it was becoming to follow Kaworu’s lead. He felt that he was learning to understand his methods of communication and was also glad that they could joke around in such a way. He made note of this, less eloquently, out loud.

“Yeah,” Kaworu said, sounding a bit surprised. Shinji got the impression he had just been thinking of the exact same thing. He was looking at Shinji’s face again with that mild smile. Then he giggled winningly and looked back to the screen. Shinji did the same. He felt uncharacteristically at ease, with even a soft smile resting passively on his face. That was the reason he had decided he liked spending time with Kaworu -- the ease of it all. He could feel the weight next to him that meant Kaworu had his hand against the bed, leaning on his arm, and Shinji reached for it. Kaworu shifted and let Shinji lace their fingers together. With his other hand, he ate a handful of popcorn, and then he put another piece in Shinji’s mouth.

Once the movie was over, Kaworu let go, stretched, and let his body fall back onto the bed. “God, young Keanu was so cute. I would kiss the hell out of him,” he remarked.

Shinji nodded in agreement, giggling. They sat in comfortable silence for a few moments before Kaworu broke it with a sigh.

“You know I have to talk about the food thing,” he said quietly. Shinji groaned in disagreement.

“We don’t have to talk about it. It’s not a big deal,” Shinji pleaded just as quietly.

“It is. And don’t tell me I shouldn’t worry, because not worrying about you is impossible for me,” Kaworu said, almost sternly. Shinji didn’t look at his face.

“That’s why I do it. Because I want to take up less space. I wanted to waste away,” he whispered. “I don’t think I’m worth worrying about. I didn’t think anyone cared about me anyway, but at the same time I hated myself for making people worry. So now I’m trying to disappear.”

“Please don’t disappear,” Kaworu said, and Shinji was surprised to hear his voice falter. “I worry. But it’s not a bother. I want to help you.”

“Okay,” Shinji agreed. He knew he was a person incapable of opening up, incapable of that kind of intimacy. Unworthy of it. He said it again. “Okay.”

“Let’s hang out again tomorrow.”

“Let’s hang out the day after, too,” Shinji said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i warned you it was going to be self-indulgent, so dont act surprised okay... high school student gay stoner-waru is real in my heart... anyway ive got up to about chapter 5 written now i think but ill be updating weekly just to make sure i keep up. like, ive barely written this week cause ive been at band camp (eugh) hope you enjoy this chapter though and the next few have some scenes im pretty proud of so... stay tuned!


	3. lunch dates

Shinji tried his best to get to his room without alerting anyone that he had arrived home, but the cards weren’t in his favor.

“Shinji, is that you?” Misato called from the living room. Shinji winced and peeked guiltily around the corner.

“Yes,” he said. Misato, Asuka, and Hikari were playing some card game at the coffee table.

“Come play bullshit with us, Shinji,” Asuka said cheerfully. “You can’t lie to save your life.” Only Shinji was privy to the knowledge that he had actually gotten quite good at lying in recent times.

“Don’t be rude, Asuka,” Hikari scolded gently.

“It’s fine, Hikari. I guess I’ll play,” Shinji said, taking a seat at the unoccupied fourth side of the table and having cards dealt to him by Asuka. He had to admit that he loved nights like this, when everyone could laze around and poke fun at each other. Asuka would be her usual prickly self, and Misato would be almost like a dysfunctional mom to both of them. Shinji could pretend he had a family. They felt like a family sometimes.

“Where were you, anyway, Shinji? You missed dinner,” Misato said, placing four cards face down in the pile. “Four threes.” She was bold.

“Bullshit,” Shinji called. Misato begrudgingly took the stack into her hand. “I was at a friend’s house.”

“Rei? Are you guys a _ thing_?” Asuka asked, looking shocked and quite possibly disturbed.

“No and no. I was at her friend Kaworu’s house.”

“Oh… are _ you guys _ a thing?” she asked incredulously.

“No…”

“Stop teasing Shinji and take your turn, Asuka,” Misato said, sighing in the manner of a long-suffering mother and sipping her beer. Asuka glared at Shinji, then Misato, then glared at Shinji again.

“I’m going to interrogate you later. Two sevens.” She slammed down her two cards with such conviction that no one dared call bullshit.

Asuka kept her promise. She barged into his room while he was reading a book later in the night, Hikari following with a slightly worried expression.

“Who were you with, again?” Asuka demanded, hands on her hips, staring him down. Just like old times.

“Kaworu Nagisa. Can you please close my door?” Asuka held her ground. Hikari closed his door.

“Never heard of him,” Asuka said accusingly, as if she didn’t quite believe he could find people to hang out with if she wasn’t helping.

“He’s homeschooled,” Shinji explained. “We just listened to music and watched a movie.”

“I bet he’s very nice,” Hikari offered.

“No way. I bet he’s a creep,” Asuka said, crossing her arms. “If he so much as looks at you wrong, tell me, and I’ll beat the shit out of him.”

“He’s not a creep. We hold hands sometimes,” Shinji said nonchalantly, fully knowing a tornado of Asuka would be unleashed on every unsuspecting person within a three mile radius as soon as that sentence left his lips.

“You _ what_?” Shinji could swear he saw Asuka puff up like an angry cat as she said that.

“You should hold someone as gentle as him dear,” Hikari said.

“Is he gay or something? Does he like you? Do _ you _ like _ him_?”

Shinji thought for a moment. He hadn’t even really considered the question. It sort of came as a shock to him, like a new door had just been unlocked somewhere in his mind that he hadn’t dared to open. “I don’t know. He did say he wanted to kiss Keanu Reeves,” Shinji said, looking at the ceiling and humming for a second. Asuka begrudgingly muttered something about not blaming him for that. “Why do I have to put a label on it anyway? We get along well. I like him as a friend, anyway. And I’m seeing him again tomorrow.”

Asuka sighed and reluctantly returned to a normal volume. “If you’re happy, I can’t be too mad. But I want him to know that if he ever hurts you, he will be destroyed. Wait -- give me your phone. I’m going to text him that myself.”

“Wait… I don’t have his number,” Shinji said, only just now realizing he’d forgotten to ask for it.

“What? How were you planning on hanging out?” Asuka asked exasperatedly. She had more experience with these things, anyway.

“I dunno… go to his house?” Shinji said, shrugging sheepishly. “Let me text Rei to get it.” He picked up his phone to find she had texted him a message with nothing more than a string of ten numbers only a few minutes ago. No punctuation or anything -- it sounded just like her speaking voice in his head. Shinji handed Asuka his phone. He was beyond the point of questioning why good things were happening to him.

“Holy shit,” Asuka breathed. “He must really like you. He told Rei to send you his number.” She began to tap furiously at the screen.

“I dunno. I haven’t even thought about any of that, really… I think he’s just an affectionate person. I don’t think I’m attracted to guys…”

“Well, it shows that he was serious about making plans,” Hikari supplemented helpfully.

“Okay, that should do it,” Asuka said triumphantly, handing Shinji’s phone back. He was somewhat scared to look at what she had typed.

[23:10:17] Shinji Ikari: okayy LISTEN up buddy,.. if you lay nary a FINGER on shinji i will BREAK ALL YOUR HANDS. if u break my little manz heart you will be LAUNCHED INTO ORBIT he is a sensitive little man and i do not trust u. bitch

[23:10:34] Shinji Ikari: also he is ticklish

[23:10:50] Shinji Ikari: this is asuka btw

“Oh my God, Asuka…” Shinji groaned. “How is he supposed to know who you are?”

Asuka shrugged. “This is no longer my problem. Have fun pegging your little boyfriend tomorrow.”

“Pegging? Why would I need to peg him? I have a…” Shinji suddenly realized Asuka had already left and Hikari was still standing in his room.

“Good luck with Kaworu, Shinji. He sounds very nice,” she said cheerily before following after Asuka.

As was always the case after an encounter with Asuka, Shinji felt he had been slapped in the face and that it was a miracle his entire room hadn’t been thrown into disarray by the sheer energy that radiated off of her. He sighed and sank lower in his bed. His phone buzzed by his side and he whipped it towards his face to examine it.

[23:12:01] Kaworu Nagisa: Haha.

[23:12:42] Kaworu Nagisa: Would you like to meet at the coffee shop near the school at noon tomorrow?

Shinji didn’t even have to think.

[23:12:45] Shinji Ikari: Yes please

[23:20:31] Shinji Ikari: Btw asuka is my friend/roommate do not mind her

Shinji sighed and got up to sit at his desk. He quickly pulled up the shop’s information online, and he was glad to be greeted with a menu that had convenient nutritional facts. Some things weren’t too bad -- only 100 calories for a skinny latte… maybe he could even substitute almond milk. Maybe he’d splurge and have half a bagel. With butter. He would treat himself for making a new friend. He said it in his head a few times. _ I’ll have a small skinny latte, sub almond milk, and a plain bagel, toasted, with butter. Thanks. I’ll have a small skinny latte, sub almond milk, and a plain bagel, toasted, with butter. Thanks. I’ll have a small skinny latte, sub almond milk, and a plain bagel, toasted, with butter. Thanks. _

Shinji fell asleep with his phone on his chest, memorizing his order for the next afternoon with a mantra.

He woke up a bit later than intended, so Shinji only had an hour to get ready and get to the café. He tried to remember his dream for his dream journal, but it wouldn’t stick in his head. All he could remember was petting something soft and grey which was resting in his lap. _ Petting some rabbit or something_, he scribbled hastily.

When he entered the bathroom, he was dismayed to see his hair sticking at all sorts of odd angles. He did his best to smooth it before brushing his teeth and returning to his bedroom to put on clothes. Shinji thought of the previous day’s conversation, and he threw on his Unknown Pleasures shirt after a moment of consideration and a smile. Then he yanked on some nondescript jeans that he found on the floor and his ratty sneakers. He stopped to look in the mirror again for a second.

“Who cares what you’re wearing, anyway? You always look like shit,” he mumbled to himself, kicking at the bottom of his reflection. He turned to the side and lifted his shirt. His stomach was a shallow scoop out of his body if he sucked it in. Shinji let out a breath and dropped the shirt. It hung off of him. He was made simultaneously glad and slightly depressed by the sight. Shinji decided to stop looking, so he grabbed his SDAT and ran out the door with a quick kiss on the cheek and goodbye to Misato, who was sullenly nursing an electrolyte beverage.

The café wasn’t too far away, so he arrived slightly earlier than he needed. Everything about it was warm inside. The air smelled like fresh bread and coffee, and the temperature was set so that it was just cozy enough that his body didn’t have to produce its own heat. It had gotten less efficient at doing so lately. The furnishings were mostly quaint and wooden, the color palette like shades of melting chocolate. Shinji tucked himself into a booth he hoped wouldn’t be too hard to see and let Bright Eyes blare in his ears to cover up the radio station playing inside, which was indie music somehow even more generic than that. He was alerted to Kaworu’s presence when he felt two taps on the top of his head. When he looked up and removed an earbud, he saw Kaworu was wearing an Unknown Pleasures shirt over his long-sleeved undershirt, too.

“One of us is going to have to go home and change, man,” Kaworu remarked.

“Hey, you said you wanted to match,” Shinji said, grinning and standing up to walk to the counter with Kaworu.

“You order first. I’ll cover both of us,” Kaworu said.

“Thank you,” Shinji murmured, then turned to the barista. “I’ll have a small skinny latte, sub almond milk, and a plain bagel, toasted, with butter. Thanks.”

“And I’ll take a large, full-fat hot chocolate with whipped cream. And a chocolate-filled pastry,” Kaworu said.

“Do you want chocolate drizzle on your hot chocolate, too?” asked the barista. Kaworu nodded enthusiastically. He and Shinji watched as their drinks were being made.

“Are you trying to make me jealous?” Shinji sighed.

“No,” Kaworu said pleasantly. “I just have a sweet tooth. And… I figured, I’m not fat, but look how much I’m eating, right? And I’m still not fat. I hope you don’t think I’m fat, anyway.”

“No,” Shinji muttered, glancing to Kaworu’s feet and back up to his head. “Your body is nice.” _ Wait, when did I start thinking that? _ Shinji’s mind spluttered, stuck as a hostage somewhere behind his eyes and mouth. But he was right: Kaworu was a healthy, natural kind of thin, with long limbs and elegant angles. Shinji wondered absently if he did any sports to be so pretty.

“Thanks. But I guess there’s more to it than not wanting to be fat with you,” Kaworu sighed, and then he had to pay for their food. He was charming and polite to everyone he met, which Shinji remembered when he watched him interacting with the barista. But then he turned, and the smile he gave Shinji was an entirely different beast than the one strangers got to see. Softer.

“Back to the booth?” he suggested, with his signature head tilt, smile brighter than any star, silver hair falling in front of his eyes, Shinji would’ve loved to brush those strands back behind his ear --

“Yeah,” Shinji managed, and they sat down together. The opening topic of the day was, as usual, what Shinji was listening to.

“Bright Eyes,” he said. Kaworu looked skeptical. “Don’t even say anything. I know it’s the angstiest shit ever, but… it’s so good…”

“Well, I guess I’ll take your word for it. Tell me about them?”

Shinji settled into his explanation of Conor Oberst’s life and musical style while he opened the paper bag holding his plain bagel, toasted, with butter. To his dismay, there were sesame and poppy seeds on his bagel. He paused for a moment, sighed, sipped his latte, and started carefully brushing them off. Kaworu touched his wrist.

“I can ask for a new one for you,” he said softly.

“No, it’s okay. I’m just annoyed because it’s extra calories, and I practiced my order in my head all night, and now it’s still wrong, and… I’m only going to eat half, anyway, but…” Shinji’s face was troubled beyond what any normal person would feel for some unwanted seeds on their bagel. He hated himself for getting upset over it. Kaworu would know what a handful he was, what a fucking weirdo he was, and he wouldn’t want anything to do with him after this. This was it. The end of whatever they were doing. Over some stupid seeds on a bagel. Shinji became aware that he was fidgeting agitatedly as these thoughts ran through his head on a loop.

“Hey, Shinji, it’s okay,” Kaworu said. He talked softly like the tone someone might use to talk to a frightened animal. Shinji felt his eyes water up in some impossible mixture of gratitude and self-hatred for having caused him to use that voice. “You’re okay, nothing is ruined.”

Shinji took deep breaths. It was what his therapist told him to do when he got worked up over small problems. “Sorry,” he said, and his mouth was dry. He swallowed. “Sorry,” he said again. Kaworu’s thumb on the back of his hand was running in soothing circles.

“Don’t be sorry. I’m here for you because I understand you, I care about you, I like you, and I want to help you,” Kaworu said, and it sounded like a promise.

“Let me see your wrist,” Shinji said. He didn’t remember thinking that. Kaworu took his hand back like it had been scalded by Shinji’s.

“What?”

“You always wear long sleeves. Kaworu, let me see your wrist.”

Kaworu faltered. He sat in still silence for a few beats, his usual friendly and pleasant demeanor shattered. Then his face fell back to its natural smile somewhat like a robot whirring into motion after taking time to calculate a long equation.

“Okay,” he said, fingers toying with the edge of his sleeve. “Because you’ve been so open with me, okay.”

Shinji already knew what he would see there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yaaay working through my problems by giving them to shinji and kaworu... like i said last time this chapter and the next have some scenes im pretty proud of so i hope you enjoy them!


	4. lunch dates II

There were rather a lot of scars under his sleeve.

Shinji ran two featherlight fingers down to trace the savage parallel lines that spanned from the crook of his elbow to the place where his wrist met his hand.

“It was a long time ago,” Kaworu said quietly. Shinji nodded mutely. “You don’t have to worry about me. It’s my job to help you. Don’t even worry about me.”

“I can’t… you just told me not to say that, Kaworu. I want to worry about you,” Shinji said, the words coming out strained and choked. He could feel the hot tears piling up behind his eyelids and wiped them away angrily. “I can’t just be a burden on you when you have things to deal with yourself.”

“You’re amazing, Shinji. You’re so strong,” Kaworu whispered. He sounded hushed and awed, like Shinji was a spectacular cosmic event. Like he was watching a meteorite fall to the ground. Shinji was sure he would soon crash and burn.

“You tried to kill yourself, Kaworu! I --” Shinji’s breath caught and he sniffled. When he continued, he was quieter again, telling a secret. “I’m so glad you’re still here.”

Kaworu just looked at him with his unreadable smile. He rolled his sleeve back down and placed his elbow on the table so he could rest his head on his hand. “I’m glad we’re both here. Can you keep telling me about Bright Eyes?”

Shinji blinked. He suddenly remembered they were in a public place and not some other dimension where only the two of them existed. He barked out a laugh that sounded strange. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess.” He sniffled again and wiped his face. “Apparently, I start getting really emotional whenever we’re alone.” He laughed again. Kaworu closed his eyes for a second, and Shinji realized that movement was the same as the one cats use to show they aren’t a threat.

“It’s okay,” he said patiently.

“This is just a thing that happens,” Shinji muttered. “I’m just like this. I’m just crazy. I can’t control myself. You shouldn’t have to deal with me.”

“I want to, Shinji,” Kaworu said.

Shinji planted his face in his hands and groaned. “You’ve gotta stop saying such nice things to me. It makes my brain start exploding.”

“Okay, I will,” Kaworu agreed. Shinji peeked at him from between his fingers.

“Don’t actually stop,” he begged, and then dove back into his description of the history of Saddle Creek Records. Kaworu’s other hand on the table, palm facing up, looked so inviting; Shinji rested his own on top of it without pausing his rambling, and Kaworu could only gently intertwine their fingers and encouragingly rub a thumb over Shinji’s knuckles. He thought that maybe his heart would boil over in affection whenever he looked at Shinji’s flushed face.

After a while, once Shinji had finished his slow destruction of half a bagel, he wrapped up the other half and pushed it towards Kaworu.

“Take it,” he pleaded, “or else I might eat it when I get home.”

“You should take it home, then,” Kaworu said, pushing it back to him.

“I’ll eat some dinner this evening. I don’t need this bagel, too,” Shinji implored, eyebrows pushing together in concern.

“I want you to eat it. Your hair is going to start falling out if you don’t eat, Shinji. Your organs will shut down. Just eat this bagel, now, for me. Having a bit more to eat today could be good for your metabolism, too.”

Shinji wasn’t fully convinced. But he ripped off a chunk of the second half of his bagel and ate it. “Will you eat some of it? Just a little bit,” he asked.

Kaworu nodded, ripping off his own small piece. “I know it’s hard, and scary,” he said once he had eaten it. “But this one bagel won’t make you gain weight. You probably burn close to 2,000 calories a day. You can eat this bagel.”

Shinji nodded, internally begging his mind and body to let him eat it. It was absurd how difficult it was to make himself sustain his own health. _ What kind of crazy person can’t even force themselves to eat a bagel? _he asked himself bitterly. One part of him was ravenously screaming to eat the bagel, order four more, eat them all -- order two donuts for the ride home. A chocolate milkshake with sprinkles. Stop for some fries, too. And another part of him was coldly whispering to him that he didn’t even deserve to eat this bagel because he was already taking up too much space.

“Shinji?” Kaworu prompted gently. Shinji had been staring at the bagel for almost two full minutes, getting pale and having sweat appear on his brow.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he said, tearing another bite of bagel off and eating it.

“If it’s too much, you don’t have to eat it. I won’t push you. I can’t make you recover by sheer force of will. But I want you to stay healthy.”

“You’re… you’re too much,” Shinji told him, and what he meant was _ you’re too good for me, Kaworu. I wish I deserved this. _ Kaworu just let him reunite their hands as he picked up the bagel and took a bite. Then another. And another. Until he had eaten the rest of it.

“I’m really proud of you,” Kaworu murmured.

“Thanks,” Shinji said hollowly. His eyes had an unfocused look of oncoming terror.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” Kaworu suggested. “We can talk about something nice. It’ll get your mind off of it.”

“Yes,” Shinji said, still seeming shaken. Kaworu lifted his free hand to stroke Shinji’s hair, push it away from his face, run his fingers down his cheek like a corporeal whisper.

“Hey. Whatever you’re thinking right now, it’s probably not true. Let’s get some fresh air,” he said softly. Shinji raised his arm to brush his fingers across the back of Kaworu’s hand, still resting at his jaw. He nodded, managing to drag his eyes up to meet Kaworu’s and smile weakly.

They left the café hand in hand, Kaworu giving a wave to the barista who seemed to have not heard any of their harrowing conversation. They walked in silence towards a small park that was a block away -- Shinji didn't actually feel up to talking. As they neared the entrance, Shinji sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Sorry I freak out all the time,” he said morosely.

“It’s okay. I like spending time with you, and that’s a part of you,” Kaworu said, squeezing his hand. He led Shinji through the gate and to a bench that was under a tree and overlooking a pond that held several turtles sunbathing on its surface. Shinji sat and brought his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them and resting his chin on top. Kaworu sat next to him and put his arm around Shinji’s shoulders. Shinji nestled closer to him. It was still hard to think about what it meant that he wasn’t scared of his touch. He wasn’t scared of his kind words. In fact, he craved them.

They sat in silence like that for a long time, Kaworu’s hand drifting from rubbing Shinji’s shoulder to drawing circles on his upper arm to petting his hair. His eyes were closed, head tipped back to drink in the sunlight that slipped through the leaves of the tree they were under, the wind ruffling his silver hair.

“I don’t know why this is okay,” Shinji admitted, watching the way Kaworu’s light eyelashes fluttered maddeningly open.

“Hm?”

“I don’t know why it’s okay for you to know me, and touch me,” Shinji said again.

“Does there have to be a reason?” Kaworu asked simply. Shinji shrugged.

“I guess not,” he said. “But… around anyone else, I can’t talk about my problems. I mean, you know more about me than Misato or Asuka, and I live with them. I can’t even look people in the eye. But now I’ve been holding your hand, your -- your hand is in my hair right now, and you know about my eating dis… my eating problems, and I’m okay with it. I’m already excited to see you again tomorrow.”

Kaworu hummed, looking at where his fingers were carding through Shinji’s short hair. Shinji was still shakily peering at him out of the corner of his eyes. “It’s okay to not know. I have a feeling it’s gonna work out. I have a feeling I was meant to meet you.”

Shinji felt the tears welling up again, for what must have been the thousandth time. It was so difficult to hold them back once the well had been opened.

“What are we doing tomorrow, anyway?” Shinji asked, hiding his face in Kaworu’s shoulder.

“I was thinking… we could go to an arcade,” Kaworu said thoughtfully.

“I don’t know anything about video games,” Shinji said, laughing softly. “I promise I won’t cry all over you tomorrow, though.”

“It’s okay. You’re in a fragile place right now. I’d rather you be open about everything than suffer in silence.”

“The same goes for you, Kaworu,” Shinji said sternly, sitting up and boldly looking him in the eyes, though his own eyes were still watery. “If you ever feel down -- if you ever even think about hurting yourself again -- text me right away. I’d ride my bike through a… through a tornado to come help.”

Kaworu looked surprised, then eased back into his smile. “Okay, I promise,” he said, offering a pinky to Shinji. Shinji wrapped his own smallest finger around Kaworu’s.

“I promise that I’ll talk to you when I need help. And… you promise that you’ll talk to me when you need help, too,” Shinji declared. Kaworu nodded.

“Deal. Now, let me walk you home, okay?”

“Yeah. I’m worn out from all this crying,” Shinji said, laughing through the choked up feeling in his throat that he had become accustomed to. He stood up, Kaworu following, and they began the trip back to Shinji’s house.

Not long after, Shinji was feeling around in his pockets. He and Kaworu were standing at the front door to Misato’s apartment.

“Shit,” Shinji breathed. Kaworu tilted his head, silently asking what had happened. “I don’t have my keys. I was in a rush this morning, so I guess I forgot them,” Shinji explained. Kaworu simply reached up to knock on the door before Shinji could comprehend what was about to happen and stop him, and he sucked in a horrified breath. _ Oh, God. Please don’t let Asuka open the door. Please. Don’t let Asuka open the door. _

Asuka opened the door.

As expected, she took one look at Kaworu, gasped slightly, grabbed his hand, and dragged him inside. Shinji followed, sighing. Luckily, Kaworu looked only mildly bemused.

“Misato! This is Shinji’s new boyfriend!” Asuka shouted, pushing Kaworu into the living room.

“He’s not my boyfriend!” Shinji argued indignantly.

“You guys hold hands!” Asuka yelled back, pointing demonstratively from Shinji to Kaworu.

“Hello, ma’am,” Kaworu said to Misato.

“Yeah, because we’re good friends, and we care about each other!” Shinji insisted, grabbing Kaworu’s hand defiantly.

“Hi, I’m Misato,” Misato said, waving.

“See? Look at that!” Asuka shouted, gesturing wildly and jumping up and down for emphasis. “They’re wearing matching shirts, for Christ’s sake!”

“What a cute couple,” Misato agreed. Asuka let out a triumphant laugh that was more like a shout. “I’m glad you’re getting along with new people, Shinji.”

“We are _ not _ dating,” Shinji huffed, crossing his arms across his chest.

“He’s telling the truth, we aren’t dating,” Kaworu clarified.

“Well, I bet Shinji _ wishes _ he were dating you,” Asuka sneered, glaring at Shinji. He didn’t know how to respond to that, because he wasn’t necessarily sure if he could deny that at the moment, so he just met her gaze with a comparable intensity. “Your silence merely incriminates you,” Asuka added afterwards, looking away haughtily and crossing her arms as well. Shinji blushed furiously.

“I do have to get home. Rest assured, I’m already eager to see Shinji again tomorrow,” Kaworu said politely.

“You aren’t helping our case,” Shinji hissed. Kaworu grinned at him with faux innocence.

“See you at… one in the afternoon? I can pick you up,” Kaworu said. Shinji rolled his eyes and sighed.

“That sounds fine,” he agreed. Kaworu lifted Shinji’s hand to his lips and kissed it delicately, never breaking eye contact with him. Shinji went entirely stiff and his face reached shades of red no one had ever thought possible. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” Kaworu promised, in his most cloyingly sweet voice. Then he waved cheerfully to Misato and Asuka, who were staring at him with slack jaws, and excused himself.

After several beats of utter silence, Shinji staggered over to the couch and put his face in his hands. “I’m going to fucking kill him,” he muttered. Both Asuka and Misato started yelling at precisely the same time. Shinji didn’t bother listening, just wandered into his room and turned on some music. His phone buzzed a few minutes later.

[15:02:13] Kaworu Nagisa: Sorry, I couldn’t help it. I had to break out the skills I attained throughout many cheesy romcom viewings.

[15:03:02] Shinji Ikari: well

[15:03:46] Shinji Ikari: It was pretty funny

[15:03:50] Shinji Ikari: :]

  
Shinji set his phone back down, sighed heavily, gazed at the ceiling for a few moments, and sighed even louder. He rolled over and burrowed his burning face into his pillow. _ God, Kaworu’s lips are soft_, he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay shinji and kaworu being fluffy YAY shinji and kaworu mutually helping each other and caring for each other YES anyway i think they should be scene kids my next au is gonna be scene!kawoshin ok bye


	5. disposable cameras

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kaworu isnt in this chapter at all, sorry! i wanted to give the boys some time apart from each other and mess around with asuka a little bit; shes a lot nicer in this than in the show though lol. funny to think that a fic about depressed teenagers and anorexia is actually lighter than the real show... anyway enjoy.

“I think he’s just joking. I mean, I know that part was a joke. But I don’t think the other stuff was a joke -- he, like, stroked my face and shit. I think he might just be too affectionate,” Shinji rambled. He was laying in his bed, arms floating in the air to demonstrate what he was talking about.

“Shinji, you’ve been talking about Kaworu for, like, lightyears at this point,” Asuka said irritatedly from her place on the floor.

“A lightyear is a distance,” Shinji grumbled, and rolled over to face the wall. “I just don’t know if he likes me or not. No one’s ever liked me before, so it’s hard to tell.”

“Well, he said he wants to kiss boys, and he holds your hand, and, like, whatever other gay shit you guys do, so I think he probably likes you,” Asuka reasoned. She was putting on an exaggeratedly bored tone and appraising her nails as she filed them into almond shapes.

“He’s weird. He’s homeschooled. Maybe he just doesn’t understand social interaction,” Shinji muttered, smashing a pillow across his face.

“It’s like you’re trying to convince yourself he doesn’t like you! Do you even _ want _ him to like you?” Asuka said exasperatedly, dropping her nail file with a clatter. Shinji sighed and removed the pillow that was hiding his eyes and voice.

“Yeah, I want him to like me. I just don’t want to make a fool out of myself and get rejected because I didn’t read the signs right,” he said in the smallest voice he had. Asuka sighed and relocated to sit on the bed, back to him and legs hanging off the edge, but with one hand resting on his shoulder.

“He seems really nice, so I doubt he would cut you off or something crazy even if he doesn’t like you. He apparently likes boys, so he won’t judge you on that level, and no one would blame you for reading signs like snuggling on a park bench wrong,” Asuka said. She had dropped her façade of irritation and let her sisterly side peek through.

“I want him to like me,” Shinji repeated miserably. He closed his eyes against the tears that were desperately trying to form and squeezed the pillow in his arms. His voice was nearly inaudible. “I think I like him.”

“Yeah,” Asuka said sympathetically. She kneaded his shoulder a little bit. “I know.”

“Since when?” Shinji asked quietly.

“Since you brought him up. You were trying so hard to be nonchalant,” she said, snickering. She jumped up suddenly, grabbing Shinji’s hand and dragging him along with her. “Okay, it’s time to stop being miserable. We’re going to go shopping for cute date clothes.”

“We are?” Shinji said blankly.

“Yes!” Asuka exclaimed, back to her usual forceful self. “Be down at my car in five minutes, or I’ll leave without you and pick an outfit myself.” She slammed the door behind her and Shinji scrambled to his feet to start grabbing his things. He knew letting her pick his clothes would be a disaster. By the time he ran downstairs to her car, two steps at a time, she was already sitting at the wheel in a new change of clothes with the engine running.

“How did you even get here so fast?” Shinji said, yanking open the door, gasping for breath. Asuka looked up smugly from her phone at him.

“You’ll never know,” she answered mysteriously as Shinji was clambering in and buckling his seatbelt. That was a necessary part of riding with Asuka. Her car was a bit old, but ever-so-slightly too new to be considered cool and retro, and it had been somewhat sporty when it came out. It was an eye-searing red with orange racing stripes. Despite its aura of clunkiness, Asuka loved her car, and knew exactly how to coax it into keeping up with her -- she liked to drive fast and aggressive. A bumper sticker on the back read “If you’re going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair.” Shinji always felt just a little bit terrified when she was in the driver’s seat.

The sky was the color of Creamsicles again. It was almost like Asuka’s presence demanded that even the atmosphere conform to her color palette. He supposed that was the same reason the sky was always blue and clear when Kaworu was around, and filled with high, icy clouds when he was with Rei. He mused on this thought for a moment, watching the scenery race by with the overlay of knobs and buttons reflected by the car window. He rolled it down, then, and held his arm out to feel the contour of the air as it rushed under his hand. Suddenly, grabbed by an unstoppable urge, he stuck his whole head out with it. Shinji smiled against the wind whipping his face, relishing the knowledge that he was alive to experience it.

Asuka was sending curious glances at him, but she was secretly pleased to see him so content. Once he returned to the inside of the car, she hummed shortly to prompt him.

“I just suddenly realized how happy I was to be able to see the beautiful things on offer in the world, like…” Shinji stopped and thought for a moment. “Like the sky at dusk, and comfortable silences, and what it feels like to be around Kaworu.”

Asuka whistled a descending note. “You’ve got it bad.”

“I didn’t even notice until you told me I did,” Shinji said, and he sounded so unbothered that Asuka didn’t feel like teasing him at all.

“Where do you even usually go for clothes?” Asuka asked a few minutes later.

“Uh… I don’t know, Target?” Shinji said, shrugging. Asuka groaned.

“No way,” she said disgustedly. Shinji started to protest, but she pressed on. “I say either we go for some hipster store in the mall or a hipster vintage store somewhere else. He likes your weird music, I bet he’s super into hipster shit.”

Shinji couldn’t argue with that. He thought about it for a moment. “Yeah, let’s go to a vintage store. It’ll be cheaper, anyway.”

“Great, I love thrifting,” Asuka said with a grin, and whipped into the nearest strip mall parking lot with such intensity Shinji had to reach wildly for the grab handle at the top of the car to avoid certain death.

The bored teenager at the counter took a look at them as they entered and his eyebrows quirked. “Hey, aren’t you… Langley-something? I think you’re supposed to be banned from here.”

“I was _ not _ shoplifting!” Asuka shouted indignantly and continued into the store anyway. The cashier just sighed, shrugged, and went back to reading. Asuka turned to look at Shinji and mouthed _ I totally was_.

“Uh… I’ll go search in the men’s department,” Shinji said hurriedly, attempting to dart away to his escape.

“No way! I’m helping you pick!” Asuka retorted, following close behind. Shinji brought them to the section of the store dedicated to jeans. They all looked far too big for him. He hummed thoughtfully.

“Let’s just look at the shirts. I might have to look at the women’s pants,” he muttered, glancing at the belt that he had tightened to the last setting.

“Jeez, Shinji,” Asuka remarked, poking her finger into his belly and finding that the shirt he was wearing was hollow for a distance before she reached skin. “We’ve gotta go get some cheeseburgers after this.”

“I’d rather not, I’d get sick to my stomach,” Shinji sighed, rifling through the button-down shirts he had stopped in front of. Every once in a while he’d pause at one before continuing to search. He favored darker, subdued tones. Asuka groaned, shoving past him.

“Those are so boring! You should surprise him and wear something more exciting so he knows it’s a date,” Asuka declared. Shinji looked skeptically at the rainbow tie-dye she was brandishing.

“Isn’t that a bit… on the nose?” Shinji said, imagining that he might as well hold a giant sign that said ‘I THINK I MIGHT BE GAY.’ Asuka’s face shifted to a comically thoughtful expression and she hummed.

“Maybe for tomorrow. But I’m going to buy this anyway,” she said, laying the shirt over her arm. Shinji sighed in resignation. _ At least she’s compromising, _ he thought, returning to his ponderance of button-downs.

“What about this? It’s not too loud or anything,” Asuka suggested, now having pulled out a cream button-down with vertical stripes in muted tones. Shinji gave it a skeptical glance, but was surprised to see that it wasn’t too bad. He could probably wear it with his usual black jeans and sneakers, and it would almost seem like he was making an effort. He shrugged.

“It’s not too bad,” he mumbled, and Asuka threw it atop the pile.

“Pants next,” Asuka demanded, and led him to the women’s jeans. Shinji did sincerely need some new pants; his belt was still keeping his old ones up, but he wanted to get a few pairs that weren’t ill-fitting in awkward places. He gathered some garments, mostly straight-leg black jeans, with waist measurements under thirty inches. There were a few with holes at the knees and one lighter wash pair for variety’s sake.

“You’re so boring,” Asuka huffed in response to his selections, and trotted off to browse the rest of the section. Shinji followed at a safe distance, unsurprised and unbothered at the fact that his shopping trip had suddenly been transformed into Asuka’s shopping trip.

“What do you need more clothes for, anyway?” he muttered as she began to rapidly scan hangers for acceptable pairs of jean shorts. She pulled out a pair that seemed obscenely tiny. “Are you trying to impress someone, too?”

He had meant it as an offhand comment, but Asuka bristled dangerously. She turned on him with narrowed eyes. “So what if I am? At least I have the guts to bring myself shopping instead of waiting on someone else.”

“You wouldn’t have come unless you were escorting me!” Shinji argued pointlessly.

“Shut up. I’m shopping.”

Shinji sighed, shoved his earbuds into his ears, and started to move towards the electronics section of the store. Once he arrived, he noticed a familiar bob of blue hair. Rei was crouched at the foot of the shelf, sorting through old radios and phones with a pile of cameras beside her. While Shinji thought his steps had been light enough, and never imagined his gait could be distinctive enough for someone to recognize him by sound alone, Rei addressed him without so much as turning her head. Shinji removed an earbud.

“Ikari,” she said.

“Hi, Rei,” Shinji greeted her. “Looking for anything in particular?”

“Cameras,” she said, and Shinji nodded absently. _ I could have guessed that from the pile of cameras next to you, _ he thought, but nonetheless kneeled to look alongside her. He moved every camera he found into the pile. It was mostly full of disposable Kodaks. Rei didn’t seem disappointed.

“What do you need these for?” Shinji asked a few minutes later. He felt the same sort of comfortable silence with Rei as he did with Kaworu, though markedly less anticipatory. Her presence was comforting and motherly.

“I’m going to get all the footage that’s left behind developed and use it for an art project,” she explained, and hearing so many words leave her mouth at once was somewhat shocking for Shinji. “I may also use a video camera to make short films.”

Shinji nodded. “That’s cool. Do you take art?” Rei nodded back. Shinji hummed pleasantly. Asuka kicked him in the side and he fell over; apparently she had made her way to their location. Shinji made a noise of protest.

“I bought the clothes,” Asuka said. She looked down at the two shirts she had put under the one she was wearing when they came in and the third she had stuffed in her bra. “Well, I bought most of them. Let’s get going.”

“How are you getting home, Rei?” Shinji asked as he stood and brushed himself off.

“I’m walking,” Rei replied. Shinji looked to Asuka, who made a loud, prolonged groaning noise.

“Okay, I’ll drive you home,” she said. Rei stood and dusted off her knees in a similar fashion, thanking Asuka. Asuka grabbed the pile of cameras and shoved them in her bag before leading the group out of the store with her head held high. Rei seemed indifferent to her theft. Shinji cast nervous glances at the cashier, who appeared to have given up long ago. Asuka had that effect on people a lot.

Rei’s home was only a mile or two away from the thrift store Asuka had just brazenly stolen over a dozen cameras from, but Shinji and Rei found themselves being delivered to a restaurant instead. Asuka clambered out of the driver’s seat, so Shinji did so less energetically from his side of the car. Rei gracefully pulled herself out from the cubby behind the two front seats -- Asuka’s car had no backseat.

“It’s burger time,” Asuka remarked, swinging her keychain around her pointer finger as she stared Shinji down across the scarlet roof of her car. Shinji didn’t quite wilt under her gaze, but he wasn’t thrilled about this turn of events. Asuka was employing her typical power stance.

“I’m a vegetarian,” Rei said.

“That sounds like a good idea, Rei,” Shinji said weakly, trying to make his face look like he suddenly cared a lot about cows. “I’ve been thinking about going vegetarian myself.”

Asuka groaned and stamped her foot. “They’ve got black bean burgers here! You’re all coming in whether you like it or not,” she ordered, beginning her march into the restaurant. Rei followed noiselessly. Shinji let his forehead hit the roof of Asuka’s car in defeat and then entered as well. The sound of the bell jangling above the door as Asuka opened the door was a funeral chime. She brought the group over to an empty booth and claimed it for their own, sitting in the middle of the far bench, her menacing glare informing Rei and Shinji that they were to sit across from her. They took their spots, Shinji near the aisle -- in case he needed a quick escape, he was prepared to leave Rei to be mauled by Asuka alone. He was sure she would forgive him.

“Kaworu,” Asuka began. Already off to a bad start. Shinji planted his face in his hands and let out a quiet whisper-scream.

“He’s my friend,” Rei said, though Shinji was unsure what question Rei had been answering. Their waiter approached, then, so Asuka turned her narrowed gaze on him and ordered three sodas. Shinji started to sweat.

“This is an intervention,” Asuka announced. “Shinji, you must start dating Kaworu. Rei, what are your thoughts?”

Rei looked like she had no idea what was going on.

“Listen, I know you’ve been roped into this with no explanation, but play along,” Asuka muttered, resting her chin in her palm and glaring out the window. A second lator, vigor renewed, she slammed her fist to the table. “It is a well-established fact that Shinji and Kaworu are totally gay. It’s up to us to make sure they get together so Shinji can stop being so mopey.”

“Kaworu is very nice,” Rei said. “He seems to like Shinji a great deal.”

“See? You know Kaworu, I know Shinji. We should be in close contact so we can make sure it works out!”

“If you guys are forming some super secret Kaworu-and-Shinji plan, why am I here?” Shinji asked miserably, having done his best in attempts to leave his body with little success. The waiter returned with their sodas, then, and Asuka snatched them from his hands. The hapless employee stood expectantly by the table for a few moments as Asuka concentrated on Shinji’s question -- finally, she shot a contemptuous glare at him and waved him away, and he chose to take this advice. Asuka sat fuming a second more. It looked like she was trying to solve a difficult equation in her head.

“I don’t know,” she snapped at last and sucked an impressive amount of soda down in one go. “Go wait in the car.”

Shinji shoved himself away from the table in a manner that suggested more anger than he was feeling in truth. At worst, he felt a mild irritation at the thought of going back out into the still evening heat. He was actually quite amused and somewhat touched by Asuka’s attempts -- it was about as heartwarming a thing as she had ever done. “Gladly,” he muttered, and he left the building to go for a walk with his earbuds in. (It was a tape Kaworu had made him of some obscure emo band.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be more shinji and kaworu! im actually thinking about combining the next two into one doubly long chapter... the one after that is gonna be a bit more subdued, though, i think. this fic is getting way longer than i thought it would be hahaha. my next au will be vampire!kaworu  
also, shoutout to vegetarians, my 5 year anniversary is soon


	6. playing games

“I didn’t even know this place was here,” Shinji murmured, leaning forward to better examine the sign.

“It’s sort of out of the way, and it hasn’t been here long,” Kaworu explained. “But I heard about it when I looked up places to go in this town the other day, and I thought it sounded interesting.”

Shinji made a noise of agreement, but his mind was rolling the thought of Kaworu planning ahead like it was a marble in the cylindrical cage that bingo numbers bounce around in. He pictured him searching through online repositories of local activities, face lit up blue by a laptop screen. Warmth spread through his chest at the thought. Part of him still felt bad that Kaworu had spent time thinking of him, but he tried to push it away in favor of his gratefulness.

“Well, let’s go,” Kaworu said cheerfully, stepping out of his car. Shinji had been avoiding looking at him for the duration of the car ride, since it was easy to do so when seated parallel to each other and looking at anyone tended to send him into a fit of anxiety. Now that they were out of the car, though, he saw that Kaworu was wearing a pair of overall shorts over a yellow t-shirt, an oversized jacket in obnoxious colors on top. Shinji felt his mouth go dry and his body heat up several degrees. It was a sensation somewhat like falling off a swingset, feeling the wind knocked from his chest as he slammed into the ground. There were colorful barettes keeping part of Kaworu’s hair back, though most of it was still free. He was…  _ so cute. _ Shinji’s own attempt to change it up, the striped button-down he had found the day before thrown over a white t-shirt, paled in comparison.

“Do you like the outfit?” Kaworu asked, and he was grinning without a hint of cynicism, like he was entirely unaware of the rushing of blood in Shinji’s ears at the sight of him. He looked away, thoughtful, for a moment, and removed his jacket. He threw it on the driver’s seat and shut the door. Then he resumed his beaming at Shinji. “I think you’ve inspired me to be more honest with myself, actually.”

Shinji opened and closed his mouth abortively for a few seconds, then coughed out a laugh. “It’s like you try to make me start crying as soon as you see me,” he said. He didn’t know how to handle being lavished with praise, being held carefully in someone’s hands like a precious jewel.

Kaworu’s eyebrows scrunched together apologetically and he rounded the front of the car so he could grab Shinji’s hand. His scars were pale and shiny under the sunlight that they’d rarely seen. “I’m sorry, it isn’t my intention. Let’s just go have some fun.”

Shinji nodded shyly, taking a deep breath. “Okay. I’m gonna destroy you in the racing games, I promise.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” Kaworu said. Once they were inside, he bought tickets for both of them that would allow them to play unlimited amounts of arcade games. The woman working at the counter barely gave the lines down his arms a second glance, almost seeming more scandalized by the nails he’d painted bright blue. She was soothed by his demeanor, though, as he was polite as always. He always came across as genuinely grateful for the service of others. Shinji wondered how everyone Kaworu encountered didn’t fall madly in love with him -- but maybe they did.

He wondered if people who saw him with Kaworu knew how inferior he was just by looking. He must have looked so plain when Kaworu’s elegant features were compared with his own. Nevertheless, he felt a strange sense of pride at having been chosen by someone who could choose anyone. It felt nice to have Kaworu’s hand in his so that strangers would know them as a couple -- whether he was good enough or not, and despite the fact that they weren’t a couple at all, people who saw them together would think Kaworu saw something more in him. People would think Kaworu saw him as beautiful, as kind, as someone worthy of receiving love. Maybe that could be enough for him. He wouldn’t be greedy; he wouldn’t take more than he deserved. He would take a smaller portion than he needed.

The interior of the building was dimly lit and a bit hokey, but the game room had subtle blacklight effects that made Kaworu’s hair look like it was glowing. They stopped in front of the first pinball machine they saw and Shinji reached up to touch a strand. It was fine and downy.

“Your hair is purple, look,” he said, holding it out in front of Kaworu’s eyes. Kaworu giggled, capturing Shinji’s hand in his own and bringing it affectionately to press against his chest before letting go. He gestured to the pinball machine, then, wriggling his eyebrows and stepping over to the neighboring game to prepare to play it himself.

“Let’s see who’s better at pinball,” he said, still sounding mild but with a competitive streak that was typically dormant starting to glimmer in his eyes. Shinji blinked, adjusting to the change in tone, then felt a smirk spread across his face.

“Alright. You’re gonna get obliterated,” he declared, and launched the ball to ricochet into the machine. Kaworu let out a yelp about the integrity of their competition and set his machine off as well.

Kaworu won the first game, but Shinji insisted it was due to the half-second between launches. They counted it off together the next time. Shinji racked up the most points and won the second game. A tie-breaker followed, which Shinji won as well.

“You’re a formidable opponent,” Kaworu said, looking so deadly serious it could only be a joke. Shinji haughtily stuck a hand out for him to shake, and Kaworu did so, bowing and pressing a kiss to his knuckles in the process. A blush bloomed on Shinji’s face and he covered it with his free hand.

“Shut up, idiot,” he muttered, and Kaworu stood, grinning his non-judgmental grin again as he cupped Shinji’s hand with both of his own. Shinji had become unsure if Kaworu was even capable of being fully ironic, and he decided at that moment that sincerity was the most beautiful attribute a person could have. He was somewhat mysterious, somewhat unwilling to be fully open -- but at the same time, he never pretended to be anything but what he was. Kaworu only ever lied by omission.

“Racing games, yeah?” Kaworu suggested, and Shinji gratefully followed him to one of the intriguingly high-tech machines. As predicted, Shinji won every race. It was somewhat comedic that, though he couldn’t drive, his skills in a simulated car were second to none. Late nights playing Mario Kart against Asuka had cemented that as fact. He could probably give credit to her for his proficiency in most games, actually.

“Okay, you were right,” Kaworu said after what must have been the dozenth time he’d lost. He almost sounded out of breath. “I know one thing I’m most certainly the best at, though.”

“Oh, really?” Shinji asked, feeling overly confident after his long series of wins at the racing game. He’d entered all his high scores into the machine under ‘S+K’. Kaworu clambered out of his side of the simulator and Shinji followed suit, somewhat more awkwardly.

“This is gonna blow your mind,” Kaworu said confidently as they crossed the arcade room to the claw machines.

“No way,” Shinji scoffed. “These things are specifically made to scam you. Look, we’re supposed to be able to play unlimited games, but this still makes you pay. Because it’s a scam!”

“You lack faith,” Kaworu replied solemnly, and put a few coins into the machine. Shinji looked on in disbelief, then confusion, then awe as he repeatedly navigated the claw over a sea of stuffed animals, descended toward them, wrapped the metal fingers around their heads, and was finally awarded several different colors of plush rabbit for his skill. He retrieved them from the prize chute and handed the whole armful to Shinji. He was smiling so brightly Shinji felt it was difficult to look at him.

“Okay, you’re really good at that,” he said, laughing, blushing, looking away sheepishly over his new collection of bunnies.

“I did it all for you, Shinji,” Kaworu said adoringly, and Shinji shook his head deliriously.

“You’re too nice to me, Kaworu,” he murmured. He dared to glance at Kaworu bashfully through his bangs.

Kaworu tilted his head sweetly. “That would be impossible,” he said, and the two of them fell into a silence that was both weighted and comfortable. Kaworu broke it a few moments later by humming and looking around. “I think they have a restaurant somewhere in here. Do you think you’re up to eating something?”

“Uh… if it’s not too caloric,” Shinji said cautiously. “If you get fries I’ll allow myself a few…”

“Great!” Kaworu said, taking a few bunnies from Shinji so he’d have a free hand to hold. “That makes me really proud of you.”

Shinji forced a laugh. “Yeah, agreeing to eat a couple fries isn’t exactly what I’d consider worthy of pride,” he muttered darkly. They were walking towards the far corner of the room, where Shinji could now see a small kitchen and dining area.

“Oh, but you should. It’s a difficult step for you. What’s simple for some can be much more complex for others, so I think you and I should both be proud of you for eating,” Kaworu mused. He looked at Shinji -- he looked so fragile and bony under his clothes, like he could be toppled by a small breeze. His fingers were cold to the touch and he had bags under his eyes. He was so deeply, desperately human. “Shinji… you’re beautiful to me no matter what. I’ll never ask you to do more than is possible for you, but I want to see you try your best. Okay?”

Shinji couldn’t look at him when he was saying things like that, so he didn’t. He just nodded and squeezed Kaworu’s hand. Kaworu squeezed back, assuring him that everything would be alright.

Six fries. Shinji decided to eat six fries and a diet soda. Ketchup would add too many calories, so they were plain. It took him ten minutes and a conversation about poetry to finish the solid food. “That’s all I can eat,” he said then, sitting back in his chair. Kaworu was gazing at him lovingly with his chin in his palm from across the table.

“That was good,” he said. “Can you eat one more?”

Shinji paused. Then he shook his head ‘no’. Kaworu’s eyebrows scrunched together sadly.

“Half of one?”

Shinji shook his head again.

“Just one bite.”

Shinji hesitated, sighed, and took one bite of a fry. Kaworu practically jumped up in excitement. “Yes! Wow, that made me feel really happy,” he said.

“It makes me feel pathetic to be praised for doing something so simple,” Shinji reiterated, leaning forward to rest his head on his crossed arms.

“I’m not pretending to be proud, though. I really am. I wouldn’t lie to you,” Kaworu said gently.

“But you do lie to me.” Again with Shinji’s mouth saying words he didn’t have time to process correctly, acting without permission.

Kaworu looked confused and paused for a moment. “When have I lied to you?”

“You never lie to my face…” Shinji started, and he felt serious enough to look nervously up towards Kaworu’s eyes. “You just don’t tell me what’s going on with you.”

“I’m sorry,” Kaworu said, and suddenly he was the one who had to shrink away from an intense gaze.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. It’s just that I want to help you as much as you help me, so I don’t feel so useless.”

“You’re right,” Kaworu sighed. “But I’m okay. Everything is fine.” It was a tone of voice that belonged to someone who’d spent a lot of time repeating that phrase to concerned people. Shinji was skeptical, but allowed it.

“Just tell me about your childhood or something. I’ll start, if you need me to.”

“I can start. My childhood was fine,” he said, settling in to tell Shinji the story. “My mom and dad separated when I was younger, and now I live with my dad. He’s gone on business trips all the time. I think that’s what I told you before, right?” Shinji nodded, so Kaworu continued. “I was closer to my mom, but apparently she had too many personal issues to deal with yet another one. I was her only child, but I’m actually the youngest of many, many siblings on my dad’s side -- he has plenty of money and sends me a comfortable amount to live with. I’m mostly estranged from everyone. My mom was a very warm person, my dad very cold.”

He stopped there, looking over to watch the wall like he was projecting memories only he could see across its tiled surface. Though Shinji sort of wanted more information, knowing he would’ve gone on an insufferable, uncontrollable tangent about how this upbringing affected him emotionally in Kaworu’s situation, he reached over and placed his palm atop Kaworu’s. “Thank you,” he said. “My turn?”

Kaworu nodded, turning his hand over so he could lace their fingers together.

“My mom died when I was young. I don’t remember her, but apparently she was a very nice woman. My dad hated me. He finally sent me off to live with my teacher, Ms. Katsuragi, who also houses Asuka. We’re only there until we’re eighteen, anyway, so only a few years. She’s nice, but not very motherly.”

“I guess we have even more in common than we thought,” Kaworu said, smiling somewhat sadly. Shinji nodded. After a few moments, Kaworu changed the subject. “Do you like the tape I gave you?”

“Yeah!” Shinji said enthusiastically, honestly, embarrassed at his enthusiasm and honesty. “It’s a bit… odd… but I couldn’t stop listening to it once I started.”

“That’s how I felt. The sampling techniques are pretty great,” Kaworu chuckled.

“I love the Malcolm in the Middle dialogue lines they use…”

Shinji felt like he understood Kaworu a little more after having a conversation about Kaworu’s issues rather than his own. If Kaworu had been abandoned by his mother, dismissed as just another issue, it made perfect sense that he didn’t like to bother people with his emotions; Shinji was the same way, but he couldn’t stop himself from being selfish every once in a while. He hoped that Kaworu could find the strength to be selfish every once in a while, too.

“Hey… do you think I could come over for dinner tonight?” Kaworu asked some time later, after they’d discussed the intricacies of the album -- Shinji needed the guidance afforded by Kaworu’s understanding of the lyrics, literally, since the vocalist spent most of the album screaming incoherently. Shinji hummed thoughtfully.

“Yeah, if you want. I usually cook dinner, and I’m sure Misato won’t mind.”

Kaworu looked pleased, almost relieved at not having to go home to his empty house. “Great! I’m awful at cooking, so I usually eat instant food…”

“Misato does too,” Shinji said. “She’s lucky she got stuck with an orphan like me.”

Kaworu laughed. He had a laugh like a delicate chime. It was never obnoxious or out of place. Shinji tried to ignore the warm rush of affection he felt in his chest, the itch in his fingertips to reach up and caress his face, to lean over the table and kiss him until he was dizzy.  _ Fuck. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yaaay kaworu time! sorry for subjecting you to my addiction to making them hold hands and emotionally support each other ^_^" bonus content: find out what album theyre talking about... yes, its a real album, and its one of my favorites! i actually listen to it at least once a day... not exaggerating :P anyway i hope this chapter was good, next week well get to see how their dinner goes!


	7. family dinner

“I have no idea what we’re about to walk in on. Please prepare yourself.”

Kaworu put on a steely face of determination and pulled the jacket he’d retrieved tighter around himself. “Okay. I’m ready.”

Shinji took a breath, held it, and opened the door. “Misato, I’m home,” he called towards the light that leaked from the living room into the hallway. A purple cascade of hair and a hand holding a can of beer appeared from around the corner, and she let out a squeal of delight.

“You’ve brought company!” she cheered, beckoning them excitedly to come in. Shinji looked warily at Kaworu before stepping in and following her into the din of the room she’d peeked out of. He set his armful of plush toys on a bureau in the corner where they sat very conspicuously. The small, low table in the center of the room was doing an incredible job of hosting five people and their beers on its small circumference: Asuka, Misato, Hikari, Touji, and Kensuke all turned to look expectantly at the doorway where Shinji was currently waving weakly. Kaworu seemed unperturbed and greeted the room as happily as ever.

“You brought your boyfriend to dinner! Great!” Asuka said, and her sarcasm was so expertly hidden that only someone with as much experience handling her as Shinji had stood a chance at noticing it.

“Not my boyfriend,” he corrected long-sufferingly. “What do you guys want for dinner? I’ll cook us something.” He was milling about the room uselessly. Each person shouted an entirely different food at him; he looked at Kaworu, who suggested curry with a shrug and a smile.

“I’m making curry,” Shinji announced, moving into the kitchen and grabbing his apron off its hook. He used its usual spot to hang the button-down he’d been wearing and tied the apron around his waist. While he was taking out all the ingredients he’d need for the meal, Shinji could hear Asuka bickering with Kaworu while he responded mildly. She was loudly complaining about Kaworu’s power over Shinji to the group, and he imagined Kaworu gracefully taking a seat alongside her as she gesticulated wildly. He smiled to himself -- they were getting along well.

Even though he no longer ate more than several hundred calories in a day, Shinji enjoyed cooking. He was actually quite good at deciding which flavors would work well together when he had the energy to make food, and doing at least one chore made him feel less like a burden on Misato and Asuka. He typically took it upon himself to wash dishes, too. The two of them were hopeless when it came to cooking or other domestic activities, anyway. It was a blessing in disguise that he’d learned to do it for himself when his father would leave him alone for days on end. Sometimes, when he was watching over food as it toasted or boiled, he felt like he could leave behind his body. He could leave behind the racing thoughts that normally plagued him. All he had to do was watch to make sure he wasn’t burning anything. It was somewhat serene -- he didn’t need conscious thought to keep himself from burning food. Besides, cooking was the perfect excuse to do nothing else: if he was cooking, he couldn’t very well be doing homework.

At the moment, he was even absently daydreaming about the fact that he was currently cooking for _ Kaworu. _ That he was being useful to _ Kaworu, _and that he’d love to be of use to him all the time. He was so lost in the thought of Kaworu enjoying his food that he didn’t notice the disturbing silence emanating from the living room until he felt the warm, gentle hand on the small of his back and jumped, startled.

“Sorry!” Kaworu said, laughing, as he quickly drew his hand back. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you! I just wanted to check out what you were up to.”

“It’s okay, I was just thinking about something,” Shinji mumbled. A blush was slinking across his cheeks, as it so often did around Kaworu; he was willing Kaworu to return his hand to his back, and he did. Asuka gasped from where she was craning her neck to look into the kitchen. Kaworu, fully attentive to Shinji, didn’t hear. He hummed reassuringly.

“I know how you feel. Do you think you could give me some cooking tips? That smells great,” he said, gesturing to the pot. While Shinji discussed the finer details of making a curry with Kaworu, the rest of the party was whispering furiously to each other in the living room.

“Look at his hand! That is firmly planted in boyfriend territory!” Asuka hissed.

“Is this the guy he’s been ditching us for?” Touji grunted to Kensuke, taking a swig of his beer.

“I guess so,” Kensuke muttered back, crossing his arms and hunching his shoulders. “At least he’s pretty.”

“The way he looks at Shinji is so precious,” Hikari sighed. She was referring to the enraptured expression on Kaworu’s face while he gazed at Shinji, as if his stuttering description of how to properly cook potatoes for curry was the most interesting thing he’d ever heard.

“Thank God the kid’s got someone to care about him like that,” Misato said, looking genuinely happy for Shinji. He needed someone he could truly trust and confide in that wasn’t an immature adoptive mother or a therapist who was paid to listen to him. Someone who could show him love and who he could accept love from. “They’ve got my blessing.”

Shinji and Kaworu were still blissfully unaware of the gossip taking place a room away. “This apron is very cute on you, Shinji,” Kaworu said, toying with the little frill on the hem before resting his hand on Shinji’s hip as if these weren’t the most insane things he could’ve chosen to do at that moment. The live studio audience they’d accrued nearly passed out from the sheer strength of Kaworu’s affection clashing against Shinji’s utter inability to get the point.

“O-oh! No, it’s nothing, I just wear it to protect my clothes… you flatter me so often, Kaworu,” Shinji managed to say, fidgeting with his whisk and looking anywhere but in Kaworu’s direction.

“No, really. Light blue is a lovely color on you,” Kaworu continued, unfazed. “It brings out the color of your eyes.”

“Thank you,” Shinji said finally. He looked nervous, but pleased, looking down at the curry he was stirring with the ever-present flush coating his ears and cheeks. After a few more moments of enjoying the weight of Kaworu’s hand on his hip and a few more furtive glances towards his gentle smile, he asked, “Uh, do you think you could get out some dishes? Dinner is almost ready.”

“Of course. Thank you for giving me cooking advice,” Kaworu said as he withdrew and opened the cupboards to place seven bowls on the counter. Shinji nodded, smiling, and began spooning rice and curry into each. Kaworu brought a few dishes out to the rest of the partygoers as he sat down. Shinji hung up his apron, delivered the rest of the bowls, and sat next to Kaworu, who scooted close to him and held himself up on an arm that made contact with the length of Shinji’s back. Asuka looked like she was about to puke. She glared at Shinji’s disturbingly content face.

“What?” Shinji said when he came out of his Kaworu-induced reverie and looked around to see five pairs of eyes staring at him. His mind hadn’t stopped spinning excuses for Kaworu’s blatant flirting -- as far as he was concerned, Kaworu was just an obnoxiously pretty boy who was socially unaware enough to accidentally egg on Shinji’s unfortunate crush. Realistically, though, Kaworu probably _ was _ innocent enough to touch him without knowing what he was doing, simply holding Shinji because he liked him and he wanted to. Kaworu was currently focused on blowing on his meal to cool it.

“It’s nothing,” Misato said convincingly, clearing her throat and glancing at each of the other kids as if daring them to say anything snarky about Shinji’s new friend. Asuka downed her beer and took Hikari’s to replace it, as Hikari had never even opened hers.

“Let’s all just ignore the rampant homosexuality happening at this table for now,” she muttered, even giving Touji and Kensuke a paranoid glare as if they were about to break out into a flamboyant musical number at any second.

“Don’t look at us! We only do gay stuff in private,” Kensuke said, shrugging noncommittally. Touji nodded to confirm his statement; Asuka’s jaw dropped. “I’m kidding!” Kensuke clarified quickly, narrowly dodging the empty can she threw at his head.

“That could have been a hate crime, were he actually gay,” Kaworu said wisely.

“You’d better watch out before I hate crime you!” Asuka shouted, leaning across the table threateningly. Kaworu seemed only mildly bemused.

“I am hereby banning all discussion of gay people and Kaworu-and-Shinji at this table,” Misato declared. Shinji’s mind went blank with incomprehension at the mention of gay people and Kaworu-and-Shinji in the same sentence.

“That’s a good idea,” Kaworu said, turning his graceful smile on Misato. She was helpless to resist smiling back. He returned his attention to Asuka. “What kind of music do you like, Asuka?”

“Why single me out?” she spluttered, then stubbornly crossed her arms and looked away. “I play violin. I don’t like shitty modern music, or whatever weird shit you and Shinji listen to.”

“Ah, I play violin, and piano as well. I do like baroque and classical music,” Kaworu said kindly. His refusal to be mad or violent was clearly upsetting to Asuka.

“I didn’t know you play!” Shinji exclaimed. Kaworu looked toward him and nodded.

“That’s how I could tell you were a musician from your hands,” he explained, picking up one of Shinji’s palms from his lap. Shinji hummed.

“You guys are gross,” Asuka muttered, shoveling curry into her mouth.

“Asuka is just grumpy that she can’t be the only one to torment Shinji anymore,” Hikari supplied helpfully.

“Shut the fuck up,” Asuka replied. Hikari only giggled.

“I don’t intend on tormenting him,” Kaworu informed her seriously. “I just want to make him happy.”

“You…” Shinji started, then noticed it was pointless, so he let out a wordless groan instead. _ You confuse the shit out of me. You seem like you intentionally confuse other people about what we are. You give me more than I deserve, or even know how to take. _

“Someone’s gotta make him happy, or else it’ll never happen,” Touji said.

“Everyone, just shut up and eat the curry Shinji’s so kindly made for us,” Misato ordered.

“Okay, okay, you don’t have to remind us,” Asuka grumbled.

Kaworu gave Shinji an enthusiastic grin after taking his first few bites of dinner and moved to rub his hand reassuringly on Shinji’s back. Shinji smiled back helplessly, trying to mentally beat his eating disorder into submission and get at least one mouthful into his stomach. _ You’ve eaten a maximum of one hundred calories all day today. Just eat this fucking curry. Stop being crazy. Eat the curry. You won’t gain weight if you just eat this curry. _He was sweating. He took a bite. Kaworu leaned his head onto his shoulder for just a moment in celebration.

Asuka’s stabbing of her food became more violent as she disgustedly whispered something about telepathy to Hikari.

“It’s even worse if you aren’t talking,” Misato sighed. The table erupted once more into chatter, but it was at least about topics aside from Kaworu-and-Shinji now.

“Okay?” murmured Kaworu, close enough for Shinji to feel the ghost of his breath across his face. He nodded with determination and shoved a bite into his unwilling mouth. He was going to force himself to eat his whole bowl, no matter the consequences.

The rest of the dinner passed with little excitement, and eventually Shinji found himself lost in thought in the kitchen with Kaworu standing inappropriately close to him yet again. When he’d scooped the final bite into his mouth earlier, he’d nearly gagged on it in his anxiety.

“You’re good, right?” Kaworu asked.

“I’m good,” Shinji confirmed. “I feel overwhelming guilt and self-hatred,” and he coughed out a dry laugh, “but I’m good.”

Kaworu hummed, running a hand along the back of Shinji’s arm. “It’ll get easier, though.”

“I’m not planning on letting it,” Shinji muttered.

“I’m going to keep trying to help until you decide to recover. And, well, I’ll keep helping past that, too.”

“You can’t… you can’t help me,” Shinji said, gritting his teeth. His grip on the dishrag we was holding tightened.

“I can try,” Kaworu retorted.

“It’s just that… normally I panic when people are nice to me, and it doesn’t happen with you. But eventually… eventually, you’re going to get tired of the mood swings and having these pleading conversations with me, and you’ll leave.” _ And I want to leave you before you can leave me, _he added in his head.

“I like you whether you’re sad or happy. And whether your mood changes suddenly or not. I’m staying no matter what. I just want to see you be happy, so I’m going to be here helping so you can be happy more often than not.”

“Quit wasting your time,” Shinji said, quietly but firmly, feeling sort of angry for a reason he couldn’t discern. He may have been angry at himself. The dishes he was washing were receiving punishment as a result. He cleared his throat again, because the inside of it felt sticky and constricted. “Nothing works. I’m not fucking worth your time. You’re going to figure it out soon and leave.”

“You can’t push me away,” Kaworu said, because of course he saw right through Shinji. “I know you want to, because it’s easier than waiting for me to leave myself, but I’m not going to leave.”

Shinji was quiet. Kaworu was, too, then he pushed himself up from the counter and returned to the living room. Shinji could hear him chattering with Touji. They were talking about horses for some reason. Shinji felt sometimes like he wanted to claw his brain out of his skull, just to rid himself of the shame of being alive. Why would he snap at Kaworu, of all people, who was just trying to help? He hated his panic for making him close himself off, for making him babble incessantly about his personal problems, for inspiring his self-sabotages time and time again. He was tired of the constant ups and downs of his moods -- he’d had a mostly wonderful night, why was he suddenly so scared and angry? Like a cornered cat. He’d eaten a whole bowl of curry and rice. He was afraid it was already sticking to his hips. He drained the water from the sink and watched it swirl away.

After thinking and regretting for a few more minutes, he calmed himself and wandered back into the living room. Kaworu stood up as he entered.

“I’m gonna head home,” he announced, and the rest of the guests responded with goodbyes of varying levels of sincerity. He smiled and turned to Shinji, who felt a small smile of his own creeping onto his face without permission. It felt like a grimace. Shinji escorted Kaworu to the door and stepped onto the porch to face him. The closed door was behind him, the lowering curtain of twilight behind Kaworu. Only a hint of orange was still reaching out along the horizon, and the night air was hot and still. The stars weren’t out. Moths buzzed around the light above them.

“You’re not mad at me, right?” Kaworu asked. Both of them were staring at their feet. Shinji gently kicked at the toe of Kaworu’s shoe.

“No, of course not,” he muttered. “I was gonna ask if you were mad at me.”

“I’d never be mad at you for something I know is just… your way of keeping yourself safe. Just like I want you to not be mad at me for being stupidly devoted to your happiness.”

“Okay.” His shoe collided with Kaworu’s again. Kaworu started to giggle, and the giggle started to grow in size.

“We’re so stupid. We’re… oh, God, we’re those weird depressed kids who get too attached too fast, aren’t we,” he wheezed between laughs. Soon Shinji was laughing, too, and somehow there were tears in both of their eyes, and neither of them knew what emotion had caused them. “Come here.”

Shinji buried his arms in Kaworu’s jacket to wrap them around his waist. He found that Kaworu’s chest and stomach were rather unyielding, but he was warm. His head fit just so against Kaworu’s collarbone so that his forehead could nestle into his neck.

“I’m gonna cry on you again,” Shinji said. “I can’t believe I know you.”

Kaworu hummed consolingly and let his cheek rest atop Shinji’s head. His arms were reassuring and sweet around his tiny frame, holding him close like he couldn’t bear to have even a centimeter separating them.

“I’m glad you’re getting along with my friends,” Shinji mumbled into Kaworu’s shirt. Kaworu hummed again. He started to pull away, but Shinji held him tighter and said something too muffled to make out. Kaworu chuckled and let him stay as long as he liked.

It seemed they passed a few minutes embracing like so, Kaworu’s back braced against a fence that held him back from falling off the balcony and plunging into darkness. He was sure there was interesting symbolism in that fence. Finally, Shinji reluctantly began to loosen his grip, but didn’t pull away yet; Kaworu cradled his head in one hand and pressed a kiss to his left temple. Shinji seemed to curl in on himself when Kaworu let go.

“Ah,” Kaworu said, then, like he’d remembered something, and he took off his jacket so he could wrap its shoulders around Shinji instead. “For if you get cold easily.”

Shinji’s face was already the color of a cherry, but if it weren’t, it surely would have been after receiving Kaworu’s jacket. It smelled like him. Like a new age store, like incense and books and tea and just a little bit of weed. Warm, with a distinct clean note that meant _ Kaworu. _

“I… I do. Get cold easily, I mean,” Shinji squeaked.

“I know,” Kaworu said.

“Good night,” Shinji said.

“Good night,” Kaworu replied, smiling sweetly and turning to walk back towards the stairs. Shinji stepped back inside, but poked his head out to watch Kaworu until his silver hair disappeared from view. Only then did he return fully to the apartment.

“Don’t even talk about it,” he warned as he passed the living room. Asuka just barely caught a glance of him with the neon planes of Kaworu’s jacket still draped over his body and, tired of her routine of yelling about it, resigned herself to sighing and shaking her head.

Shinji wrapped himself in the jacket as he settled into bed, and was only mildly embarrassed of this action that no one but himself ever had to know about. He slept soundly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i decided not to make last week a double feature (becauseiwasntdonewiththischapter) but this chapter is still about 20% longer than normal, hope you enjoyed! its a pain to keep track of what so many characters are doing, haha... next au is kaworu as a music teacher and shinji as a literature teacher (unironically might write this)


	8. cutting class

Shinji didn’t give the jacket back, though Kaworu’s presence at Misato’s dinners came to be expected when he started showing up in the weeks after his first appearance. The table was typically far less crowded than that night. Shinji and Kaworu still sat close enough for their shoulders to touch. Asuka sometimes had Hikari over, or even Rei, and she tended to be less obnoxious when there weren’t as many people to impress. Misato seemed to have no problems with Kaworu’s inserting himself into their makeshift family -- Shinji was pretty sure he saw Kaworu selling her a baggie of weed once, though. Good thing his new friend was a small-time dealer on the side. Not that anyone would object to his pleasant and reassuring aura at the table with them, anyway.

It made Shinji somewhat sad that Kaworu didn’t have a comfortable home to return to, but he was glad for the extra time they spent together at dinner. It was sort of nice to have someone silently cheering him on in finishing a meal, and conversations were easy as ever with him despite the undercurrent of unrequited love Shinji felt was dragging him along. Their lunches with Rei continued, as well, until Kaworu didn’t show up one day.

“Where’s Kaworu?” Shinji asked as he approached Rei. She shrugged, taking a petite bite of a sandwich.

“He’s probably asleep,” she guessed. Shinji hummed and sat next to her. He looked forward to seeing Kaworu every day, but he enjoyed Rei’s company too. He didn’t feel too disappointed. He was only a little worried.

“I’ll text him later,” he said absently, giving an earbud to Rei as he pressed play on the same Malcolm in the Middle-sampling tape for the third time that day. She agreeably took one.

“Ah,” she said in recognition once the opening chords were struck. “I think Kaworu made me listen to this one time.”

“I’m addicted to it,” Shinji laughed, fidgeting with his hands.

Rei nodded. “It’s different. But the lyrics are very good.”

Shinji smiled and murmured his agreement before taking out a math worksheet to work on. The comfortable silence (any and all obscure emo albums aside) that they were used to settled over them and, before they knew it, the bell signalling them to go back to class rang. Shinji sighed and shoved his materials into his bag; Rei did the same, and they returned to the school side by side.

The math homework had just been collected when Shinji felt his phone buzz.

[12:10:44] Kaworu Nagisa: Hey

[12:11:25] Kaworu Nagisa: I’m doing kind of bad

Kaworu was typing something else, but Shinji put his phone away and stood up so hard his desk was shoved an inch or two away from its spot. “Uh,” he stammered. “I’m having an emergency.”

The teacher looked bewildered as Shinji grabbed his bag and rushed out of the room. “It’s a big emergency,” he said as he passed. He didn’t stop long enough to consider the stunned silence in the room, just hurried down the hall, down the stairs, down the path to Kaworu’s house through the woods.

His mind was racing with possibilities as he made the trek. Kaworu hadn’t hurt himself, right? They’d made a pact. If he had, Shinji would bandage him. He’d hold him close. And if he hadn’t, Shinji would hold his hands until they didn’t itch to do so anymore -- he’d hold him close anyway. He braced himself before going to knock on the door; then, he thought for a moment and tried the handle. He didn’t want Kaworu to have to come to the door from wherever he was, and he was the only one in the house anyway. The door was unlocked, so Shinji peeked in and announced his presence to the eerily still house.

“Kaworu?” he called. He toed off his shoes and padded in, setting his backpack by the entrance and cautiously taking the stairs towards Kaworu’s room. In a movement just like the first time Shinji had come over, Kaworu’s face appeared around the door frame. His eyebrows were pushed together in concern and his cheeks were salty with tears.

“You idiot,” he sniffled. “I told you not to leave class for me.”

“I didn’t see,” Shinji said. They were sort of having a staring contest, both looking at each other as if the other had just appeared in a puff of smoke, as if they couldn’t believe the other was real. “I dropped everything and ran out of the classroom.”

A meager attempt at his usual smile graced Kaworu’s face, then, and he shook his head as he retreated back into his room. Shinji took it as an invitation to follow. Kaworu sat with his legs folded under him on the bed. Now that Shinji could see the rest of him, he was relieved to note that there were no signs of fresh injury. There was, however, a razor blade sitting on his dresser. Kaworu watched Shinji’s eyes flickering over towards it.

“I didn’t,” he explained.

“I know,” Shinji said, climbing onto the bed to face Kaworu. The two of them looked at each other for a moment in silence before Kaworu laughed tearily.

“I can’t believe you,” he said.

“What?” Shinji asked defensively.

“You… you just ran out of class? To come see me?”

Shinji shrugged. “I care about you.” He swallowed. “A lot.”

“You were scared I’d hurt myself,” Kaworu said, and there was a raw edge in his throat that sounded accusatory.

“Yeah,” Shinji muttered hoarsely. “Of course I was. Because I care about you.”

“You wouldn’t have come if you didn’t think I was a danger to myself,” Kaworu said.

Shinji shook his head vigorously. He got the feeling people often didn’t consider Kaworu’s feelings until after he had hurt himself. “That’s not true. I’m here to listen to you and… and provide whatever help I can.”

Kaworu looked away and angrily wiped tears from his eyes. He nodded. He seemed lost in consideration for a few moments. “You’re right. My… my dad called earlier,” he spoke finally.

“What did he say?” Shinji asked, reaching slowly to brush his knuckles against Kaworu’s. Kaworu brushed back before slotting his fingers between Shinji’s. He shrugged.

“I don’t know,” he said, and laughed hollowly. “I didn’t pick up. It was probably something about what a failure I am.”

“You’re not a failure,” Shinji said, looking down at his lap, feeling the inadequacy of those words like a weight on his tongue.

“I dropped out of school to stay at home, watch movies, and smoke, then I still tried to kill myself,” Kaworu deadpanned.

“How can you even measure the success of your life, anyway?” Shinji asked slowly. “So what if you watch movies all day for the rest of your life? If that’s what you want to do, you’re not wasting time.”

“But I’m not happy anyway, even doing that. My dad wants me to do something that’s integral to the development of humanity, or something. He wants me to be written in history books. But I’d rather lay in bed staring at the wall than… than put effort into something.”

“You put…” Shinji started, and he stopped to gather courage. “You put effort into me.”

“You make me happy.” Kaworu cleared the lump out of his throat. “You make me want to keep living.”

Shinji closed his eyes so he could pretend to disappear entirely for a few seconds. When he opened them, Kaworu’s face was pink and his eyes were wide with shame.

“My dad hates that I’m.” He stopped. “That I’m gay.”

“I think… my dad would’ve hated me, too. If he knew that I… whatever is going on with me… is...” Shinji let the sentence trail off. They both sat in embarrassed silence for a while. He wasn’t sure what he’d even been talking about -- his orientation? His eating disorder? It was more that his father would hate everything about him, no matter what he did.

Shinji’s brain did not even bother supplying him with the information that he had his fingers locked with those of the boy he liked way too much and that the boy had just described himself as gay. That would simply be far too much to unpack. _ Shinji _ was not a likeable person. He was not a person that could be _ liked. _ The best he could do was duck his head and be useful to Kaworu until Kaworu found someone better. That was the truth he knew as well as the sound of his own name.

“Did you eat enough today?” Kaworu asked, fingers flexing self-consciously.

Shinji laughed past the feeling in his throat, constricted from holding back tears. He shook his head. “Of course not.”

“I’m not even… not even doing enough for you,” Kaworu said. “I’m starting to think it’s what I was put here to do and I still can’t make you happy.”

“Two shipwrecks can’t make each other whole,” Shinji muttered. Kaworu nodded miserably. “I can’t save you from yourself. You can’t save me from myself. We can just stay with each other until… things aren’t as fucked up.”

“...I think I know how to make things a little less fucked up,” Kaworu said after a moment of weighty silence, letting go of Shinji’s hand and shuffling until he was on his side, curled in on himself. His silver hair looked like it was suspended in water around his head as he peeked over his shoulder towards Shinji. “Take a nap with me?”

Shinji nodded. He reached over to his phone and opened up Kaworu’s contact information. The photo had been left blank, though they had been sending messages to each other for almost a month. He took a picture of him. So he’d remember. Kaworu let him, somehow anticipated the digital shutter sound. Then Shinji opened his music player and turned on Elliott Smith. Suitably melancholy. He set the phone on Kaworu’s dresser. He lifted up the covers, letting Kaworu wiggle underneath, and he followed. And he fit his fluttering chest shakily against Kaworu’s back -- his knobby knees against the crooks of Kaworu’s -- his bony arms around Kaworu’s slim waist -- his burning face pressed into the base of Kaworu’s neck. Kaworu’s shoulders shook a little, because he was crying again, and Shinji tightened his hug and let a few hot tears slip out of his own screwed-shut eyes.

“Both of us are okay,” he murmured into Kaworu’s skin. It wasn’t a reassurance, just the statement of a fact that relieved him. Kaworu let out a shuddering breath. His downy nest of hair tickled Shinji’s nose, but he didn’t mind. He didn’t let himself slip into unconsciousness until he felt Kaworu’s breath becoming regular.

When his eyes fluttered open, the first thing he noticed was that it felt as though anywhere from ten minutes to three days could have passed by in the time they were asleep. The second thing he noticed was that Kaworu’s nose was inches away from his own. Flush bloomed over his face like drops of food coloring into water, but he stayed still and watched him sleep. The creases of worry from earlier had been washed away, leaving only pale eyelashes and paler skin. His veins could almost be seen -- their thrumming was comforting to Shinji, because he knew it could stop at any moment. Could’ve stopped before they ever had the chance to meet. Little crystals of salt still haunted his pallid cheeks like glitter. His lips were light and Shinji looked back to his eyes. Light hit them like they were a liquid. They were so red.

Oh. They were open.

Shinji pushed back the urge to leap out of the bed as he was caught staring, harnessing it into only a slight twitch and a reddening face. Kaworu didn’t seem surprised by their position at all, and he tucked his head under Shinji’s chin, nuzzling into his neck. His arms were around Shinji’s waist. Shinji stayed completely still, as though moving would shatter the dream, or like Kaworu were an easily startled animal. (As if the easily startled animal in the room wasn't himself.)

“Do you need me to drive you home?” he mumbled. His breath was warm and Shinji swore his mouth skimmed his skin.

“No,” Shinji said.

“Do you need me to walk you home?”

“No. I want to stay with you.”

“Okay,” Kaworu agreed. He made it sound like the easiest thing in the world, to agree to be close to someone.

“Let me text Misato, though,” Shinji said, regretfully disentangling one arm so he could reach for his phone on the dresser. He peered over Kaworu’s head to see the screen and saw that three hours had passed while they slept. He had a few messages from Asuka asking where he was.

[14:27:32] Asuka Langley Souryuu: where tf you at

[14:56:46] Asuka Langley Souryuu: i told misato u were wit yr boyfriend lol

[15:34:53] Shinji Ikari: I’m with Kaworu i’ll be home later

[15:36:07] Asuka Langley Souryuu: ya, i know, rei said u prob went to check on him

He shut his phone off and tossed it to the other side of the bed. It slid off and thudded to the ground.

“What do you want to do?” Kaworu asked.

“I don’t know. Talk,” Shinji suggested, shutting his eyes again.

“Let’s go for a drive,” Kaworu said, but he made no attempts to detach himself. “We can go to the beach or something.”

“Okay,” Shinji said. Sighing, he took the initiative to unwrap his limbs, and Kaworu finally followed. He stretched luxuriously, eyes closing graciously to let Shinji trace his eyes along his form. Or, at least, Shinji felt that it was rather gracious of him. It was unintentional. Everything Kaworu did seemed unintentional. The two of them had just napped together. What did that mean? Kaworu didn’t like him. Maybe he did. Probably not. Definitely not.

“Okay,” Kaworu replied, jumping up with surprising vigor and stepping into some sandals. He was wearing boxers and a t-shirt. Shinji felt it best not to ask if he would be wearing that to the beach. Kaworu grabbed his keyring, spun it around his fingers, and started trotting downstairs. Shinji followed in a daze.

It wasn’t long before they were at the beach and they were side by side, up to the ankles in cold, clear salt water. Shinji wished the sun would set, but he supposed they could just stay until it did.

“I like to just stand there and let the sand swallow my feet up,” Kaworu muttered, apparently concentrating very hard on sinking into the ground. Shinji hummed in agreement and wiggled his toes.

“I thought quicksand would be a much bigger problem in my life than it is,” Shinji mused. Kaworu barked out a surprised laugh. “What?” Shinji said, laughing in return.

“What are you talking about?” Kaworu giggled.

“Like… when I was a kid, I thought I’d encounter quicksand a lot. I had to learn how to escape it or something. But… I’ve never seen quicksand, actually.”

“How do you know this isn’t quicksand?” Kaworu challenged, leaning over and wiggling his eyebrows. He was anchored in place by sand, though, so he couldn’t move that much.

“It’s not very quick,” Shinji answered. He said it so quick it was like it was obvious. Kaworu burst into giggles again, then sighed, reaching his hands into the air as he breathed in and letting them down as he breathed out.

“Maybe quicksand was just a metaphor for the rapidly devolving emotional state we all encounter at some point,” he said, serious, but then laughing because he wasn’t serious.

“That’s stupid,” Shinji said, nudging him with an elbow.

“I know,” Kaworu said contentedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this all yesterday and today so it might be kinda bad haha woot ive been planning what they do in this chapter for weeks though so maybe its alright. i tried to think about what kaworu would be insecure about in a world where hes human and stuff, dunno, hope it worked out  
next time on "the one where shinji has an eating disorder but also kaworu has some shit going on": MORE talking about feelings!!!


	9. dessert waffle

“I feel a lot better just getting out of the house and talking to you,” Kaworu said a few hours later as they were reclining in the sand. The sun was kissing the horizon now. Shinji hummed in agreement.

“You’re really nice to be around,” Shinji said. “Like, most people drain me, but not you. I always wish we had more time together.”

Kaworu smiled and turned his face away. “Normally, I’d definitely be high right now. But I always want to be sober when I’m with you.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Shinji chuckled.

“It is!” Kaworu said earnestly, rolling towards him onto his belly so he could prop himself up and look down at him with wide eyes. “I don’t even need to be stoned to be calm enough to leave my house when it’s to see you. It’s refreshing.”

Shinji smiled a small smile. “I don’t have panic attacks when I leave my house to see you. So, it’s the same thing, I guess.”

“That’s good. I’m really glad to… be a good part of your life, I guess,” and Kaworu tilted his head and grinned. Shinji thought there should be a name for that movement he did. A word just to describe the way it warmed him from his chest to the pit of his stomach. When he breathed in, it was shaky with the effort to ground himself, because he was momentarily worried that he’d pull him down to kiss him. If he looked hard enough into Kaworu’s eyes, he could pretend Kaworu was thinking the same thing.

“I’m normally a bother to people. You don’t treat me like that, though, and you don’t force me to do things I don’t want to do or expect me to change overnight, and you don’t get mad at me when I’m upset,” Shinji rambled, eyebrows knitting together in concentration. “And you have good music taste!”

Kaworu giggled. “That last one is the best part,” he said.

“No, I don’t think so. It’s just a bonus,” Shinji replied. Kaworu sighed contentedly at the culmination of the train of thought and looked down at the sand.

“What did you eat today?” Kaworu murmured after a few mindless moments tracing circles on the palm of Shinji’s hand. Shinji huffed.

“A piece of toast for breakfast,” he muttered. He let his eyes drop away from Kaworu’s face when a little pout of concern appeared on it. He needed a word for the flip his stomach did then, too.

“It’s… evening, Shinji,” he said. Shinji nodded.

“Later. I want to go to IHOP late at night.”

“Very specific,” Kaworu sighed, flopping onto his back. His hair bounced with the movement and fluttered when he pushed a whistling breath towards his forehead.

“I’ve never done interesting teenager things like that before, so I’m going to do it while I still can,” Shinji explained.

“Ah, so that’s what I am to you. A vehicle by which to do teenager things,” Kaworu said, amused. He had turned his head to look at Shinji and linked their hands at the pinky.

“Noooo,” Shinji said, giggling. He mirrored Kaworu’s actions. “If that were true, I’d make you bring a joint to smoke.”

Kaworu looked thoughtful. “Yeah, I suppose,” he said, then devolved into giggles as well.

The beach was empty. They were each covered in sand and salt. Kaworu’s hair looked particularly fluffy, emboldened by the ocean air, and his laughter was soft and sweet against the backdrop of gentle waves.

Shinji knew he would never love anything as much as he loved Kaworu.

_ Too bad he’d never feel the same,  _ said someone in the back of his head. Somehow, it made him smile even wider. At least he’d never have to get broken up with, after all, and he could just look forward to the meaningless gentle touches Kaworu gave him without worrying about when it would all end. It would be over, at some point. But it would probably end quietly when Kaworu found a better boy to hang out with and slowly left rather than with a screaming match. That was the best he could hope for.

He realized suddenly that he and Kaworu had been staring at each other, smiling, for almost a minute straight.  _ What could Kaworu possibly be thinking about?  _ he thought, because he was thinking  _ it would be so easy to just… _

It would be so easy to just turn on his side. Put a hand where Kaworu’s neck met his head. Tilt, lean until their lips connected.

He didn’t do that. He took a deep breath and turned back to look at the sky. Some stars were starting to appear.

“Hey, you know in… Howl’s Moving Castle, when Howl says that Sophie’s hair is like starlight?” Shinji said. It was somehow said both absently and with extreme focus, like it was something he’d rehearsed when he was in bed imagining how to most poignantly explain his feelings. He gazed at Kaworu again through squinted eyes.

“Yeah,” Kaworu said, puzzled.

“Your hair is like starlight,” Shinji said. Kaworu turned away and smiled secretly.

“Yours is… hmm… it’s like cinnamon.”

“That’s a generous way to describe brown hair,” Shinji snorted.

“Your eyes can be crystalline, then,” Kaworu said.

“My eyes are barely even blue,” Shinji objected. 

“I like them,” Kaworu said simply. He was still looking away. The ease with which he said things never failed to hit Shinji like a harsh shove to the chest.

“Your skin is alabaster and your eyes are molten,” Shinji muttered.

“It might be your skin that’s cinnamon, now that I’m thinking about it,” Kaworu said thoughtfully.

“This is the worst conversation I’ve ever had. I feel like a thirty-five year old single woman writing a young adult novel,” Shinji groaned, covering his face with his hands. Kaworu snickered.

“I think the hunger is making us both delirious,” he announced, sitting up and stretching. “IHOP time. Is it late enough for you?”

Shinji checked the time. It was a little past eight. “Yeah. Ideally, I’d like to go to IHOP at two in the morning, but this will suffice for now.”

“We’ll just have to go to IHOP at two in the morning some other day.”

The promise of a next time always made Shinji happy. He was always worrying about next times and especially last times. He and Kaworu traipsed back over the dunes, laughing at the way they slipped under their feet.

“Why do we end up here so often?” Shinji said, sipping a tiny sip of the milkshake they’d just received out of one of two curly straws.

“IHOP?” Kaworu asked, puzzled.

“No, idiot,” Shinji said, laughing. “Sitting across from each other at a restaurant.”

Kaworu considered this, stirring his own straw absentmindedly. “I guess it’s because there aren’t many things to do in this town, and food is this whole thing for you.”

“Ugh. That’s exactly why we shouldn’t be at restaurants all the time,” Shinji said. “I’m gonna have a meltdown when I see this omelet.”

“At least you just have an omelet. I got three triple chocolate waffles with caramel.”

“How do you stay skinny?” Shinji whined. Kaworu just shrugged.

“You’re already so thin,” he said, looking at Shinji’s bony hands with concern. “If you eat this omelet, you’ll still be at a deficit anyway.”

Shinji sighed and muttered his agreement just as the waiter brought their food to the table. “I’m going to avoid talking about this for right now. I’m tired of my own meltdowns.”

“Oh, I don’t know. I had a meltdown today, so you can have one if you want!” Kaworu said, and if he were anyone else, the sunny disposition would have been sarcastic -- but it was Kaworu, so it was completely sincere.

“I appreciate your willingness to listen,” Shinji said, laughing and shaking his head, “but I just want to talk about something nice. Tell me about something nice.”

Kaworu hummed and lolled his head from side to side. “I wrote a new piano piece the other day,” he said after some moments of thought.

Shinji was tentatively cutting his omelet into little pieces before eating them. He nodded encouragingly.

“I was thinking about writing a cello piece to go with it,” he continued. Shinji nodded again. “For you to play,” Kaworu clarified unnecessarily.

“That sounds nice. I’m terrible, though,” Shinji said modestly.

“I’m sure you’re fine! I won’t make it too complicated,” Kaworu reassured him, and the way he said it made it clear there’d never been a question about whether he was going to write it or not.

“I like playing music alright, but I think I’m more a fan of listening,” Shinji said.

“I love them equally. With one, I can express myself, and with the other, people are expressing my thoughts for me,” Kaworu said, shoveling a mountainous bite of dessert waffle into his mouth.

“I guess it just seems like everything I could ever say has already been said, so I don’t mind having my feelings expressed by others,” Shinji mused.

“That’s fair. I guess I just get antsy when I don’t make stuff of my own.” His tongue darted out to swipe over his mouth, licking the caramel sauce off like a cat might clean its jaws, but he missed a spot.

Shinji chuckled. “I love how you’re discussing the merits of music as a whole while eating enough sugar to get cavities,” he said, looking incredulously at the smudge on the corner of his mouth.

“I’m a man of contradictions,” Kaworu said. It was muffled through the waffle he was chewing. Shinji laughed earnestly, then. Kaworu  _ was _ contradiction -- he was incredibly intelligent, but seemed to lack social skills. He looked sophisticated, and he was, but he could come across as an overly-excitable child when the right topic was brought up. He seemed perfectly put together but spent most days getting high and watching incredibly bad movies. He was sure of himself but craved the validation he couldn’t get from his parents from others. And he wasn’t in love with Shinji, clearly, but he acted like it.

“Yeah,” Shinji agreed.

“Want to try this waffle? It’s really good.”

“Huh? No.”

“Just a small bite!” Kaworu promised, cutting a minuscule square off and raising it towards Shinji. Shinji sighed and opened his mouth, eyebrows scrunching together.

“What’s with you and feeding me?” he muttered after he’d eaten the (admittedly delicious) bite of waffle.

“I like you,” Kaworu said simply, shrugging. Shinji felt his cheeks heat up, though he knew Kaworu meant nothing of it. He glared at an unsuspecting plastic houseplant on the other side of the room.

“You’ve got chocolate on your face,” he told him. Kaworu licked over his mouth again.

“Did I get it?” he asked, staring innocently at Shinji, who’d stared guiltily at his pink tongue. He hadn’t gotten it.

“Yeah,” Shinji lied.  _ Oh God. I have to stop looking at him while he does disgustingly cute things like that,  _ he thought.

At one in the morning, long after Shinji and Kaworu had shared a nauseatingly sweet goodbye on Misato’s doorstep, Kaworu was sitting on Rei’s bed. She held his fingers still in one hand and a nail polish brush in the other. It was pumpkin orange this time.

“I just don’t know what he’s thinking,” Kaworu groaned.

“He likes you,” Rei informed him.

“I don’t know! It seems like he rejects all my advances!” Kaworu argued. “I mean, sure, we took a nap together, but that was just because I was upset.”

“He likes you, he’s just scared,” Rei elaborated.

“Of course he’s scared. I’d be scared if someone like me started hanging all over me,” Kaworu grumbled.

“You are a perfectly nice and caring individual,” Rei said.

“I’m totally pushing him too far. There’s no way he’d like me,” Kaworu said stubbornly. He sighed noisily and threw himself back onto the bed.

“Don’t move, I’ll mess up your nails,” Rei scolded, as much as Rei could scold. Kaworu muttered an apology.

“He’s so permissive, though. I just don’t want to scare him off entirely, but I can’t do nothing or he’d never get the idea,” he said. “I want to wait for him to be ready. I know he’s fragile. I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt him.”

“I know,” Rei said. “Everyone hurts each other. Just hurt him as little as you can.”

“I can’t tell if that reassures me or not,” Kaworu said, sighing again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, this chapter is a few hours late and a few hundred words short...! its also total filler fluff, haha. ive been sucked into a black hole of snowbaz over the past couple days, rereading carry on in preparation for my copy of wayward son to come in... though i just went to barnes & noble and bought a second copy so i could start it. oops. anyway, im thinking about where i want this fic to go, and i have a few ideas -- should i go dramatic then bring it back to a happy ending or just keep it light and have about two or three more chapters? i think dramatic might be fun, to be honest. see you next week!


	10. hospital visits

It was a Saturday, and Shinji hadn’t eaten in four days. Not since the omelet at IHOP with Kaworu.

It was too easy -- when he was with Misato and Asuka, he told them he had gotten lunch with Kaworu. When he was with Kaworu, he told him he would eat dinner with Misato and Asuka. Misato and Asuka didn’t give it a second thought; Kaworu gave him concerned stares and a mouth worried red, but didn’t insist on feeding him once Shinji had refused a few times over. When he stood from Kaworu’s bed during a session of Animal Crossing, he stumbled and had to catch himself on the wooden post at the foot of his bed to ward off the black spots consuming his vision. Kaworu crawled over across the surface of his duvet, touching Shinji’s elbow fretfully and dragging his lower lip back between his teeth. Shinji met his eyes once the world stopped spinning and smiled unconvincingly before racing to the bathroom.

When he got back, the only thing he allowed Kaworu to push into his hands was a mug of green tea. At least it would warm his frigid hands. He let his face fall into a grateful smile, and Kaworu stopped hiding that adoring, concerned look once he’d looked away.

So that’s where they were.

Now Shinji was preparing dinner for Misato and Asuka, and he figured he’d have to break his fast now. Though maybe it could wait until tomorrow… he wasn’t quite past the incredibly weak and hungry phase yet, but the Internet told him that would pass and he’d feel fine after a bit more perseverance. Maybe those people had a bit more reserves to draw from, though, because nothing was getting easier for Shinji. He had to sit down to scoop the dinner into the bowls.

When he got up, the strangest thing happened. He knew for a moment he had to go give the bowls to Misato and Asuka, and he took a few staggering steps their way before forgetting that entirely and starting to think instead about the fact that his body felt very warm and very cold and his lips were buzzing. Then he blinked and he was looking up at the ceiling with Misato’s hair tickling his nose.

Huh.

“Oh, thank God, you’re awake,” Misato said. He looked down from the extremely intriguing patterns on the ceiling and looked into her face, which seemed excessively shaken for what was a simple fainting spell.

“I think I should… go to the doctor,” Shinji mumbled, words slurring. He tried to heave himself up and found his body was heavy as lead -- he slumped back down. “Can someone tell Kaworu I’m gonna go to the doctor?”

He fumbled around for his phone in his pocket, unlocking it clumsily and laying it on his hollow stomach. He wasn’t even sure where Asuka was reaching from, but she grabbed it and sent off a few messages to Kaworu.

Shinji wasn’t dizzy anymore, but he still didn’t quite feel like getting up. He felt like he should just lay there and contemplate when things had gotten so bad. But Misato was starting to help him up and lead him to the car, anyway, so his thinking time was reduced to the minute he sat on the floor of the elevator as it descended. He stared at the space between Asuka and Misato’s shoes.

Misato took a good look at him for the first time in a while, then -- and she saw what she’d been ignoring all along: that his hair was lank and dull and his bones poked out of his papery skin like butterflies trying to break out of their cocoons.

“I’m sorry, Shinji,” she said quietly. He shook his head and said nothing.

“I just need to get some blood tests, or something,” he muttered, because the parts of him that had been concerned for his health and had finally started to resurface were now being drowned violently by the parts that couldn’t bear to see fullness return to his body. Not after all the progress he’d made. Not when he was finally able to look in the mirror -- or, he still couldn’t do that, but he could swear he would _ soon. _ In only ten more pounds. If he were lucky, he might just die. That would be the real, final disappearance. Was that what it had been about all along? Hadn’t disappearing, lightening his burden on the world been his original goal?

After the cold, white waiting room. After the declaration to the poor clinicians by Asuka that Shinji was a basketcase and needed blood tests, a mental health assessment, intravenous nutrients, _ and _ maybe a straightjacket. After changing into a flimsy hospital gown and waiting to be appraised. After getting blood taken, and being assured that the results would be available in a few days. After all that, after they started asking questions, after they decided that he should stay overnight to be sure he wouldn’t overexert himself. After they whispered to Misato that he may need to spend some time recovering in inpatient.

Kaworu was standing in the door.

Visiting hours would be over in mere minutes. And Shinji was sure Kaworu wouldn’t have met the requirements for who could be in the room, anyway. But he was there, in his floating halo of hair and his gingham boxers and flip flops and ratty white t-shirt.

“You’re wearing boxers in public again,” was the only thing Shinji could think of to say. Kaworu nodded. His red eyes were rimmed with more red. “Come here,” was the second thing Shinji thought of to say.

Kaworu came over to the side of the bed that Shinji was sitting on top of and seemed to crumple onto it in the sliver of space left over. Shinji scooted towards the other side, alarmed, as he let out a broken-sounding sob.

“Come here,” Shinji said again, grabbing at Kaworu’s shoulders and almost dragging him onto the cot. It wasn’t necessary, because Kaworu managed to haul himself there on his own and collapse with his face in Shinji’s neck. A tangle of limbs and fluffy hair that Shinji didn’t know what to do with.

“I’m sorry,” he said wetly, and Shinji felt the cloth of a fresh bandage on his thigh where his boxers had slid up.

“It’s okay,” Shinji said, finally recovering from shock and wrapping his arms around Kaworu’s inconsolably shaking shoulders. “I’m not dead. You’re crying on me like you’re at my funeral.”

Kaworu laughed sadly at that, though it was barely distinguishable from the sobs. “I let you down,” he said miserably, rubbing his face onto Shinji’s hideous hospital attire until it was soaked with tears.

“You’re not the one who made me starve myself half to death,” Shinji said, shaking his head, dragging a hand through Kaworu’s silvery cloud of hair. It was a mess -- he seemed to have forgone showering for the past couple days.

“I’m the one who failed to stop you from doing it,” Kaworu insisted after spending a few minutes with Shinji petting his back and his head, trying to calm himself enough to speak.

“That’s not your job. I’m the one who made you hurt yourself again,” Shinji said, guiltily thinking of the pad of gauze that rubbed like sandpaper against his leg.

Kaworu shook his head. “It’s not your job to stop me from doing that either.”

Shinji chuckled quietly, scritching at Kaworu’s scalp and smoothing his hair down in alternation. “Okay, we’re both absolved of guilt. I’m still sad about… this, though. Everything.”

“I felt so bad when I got the text from Asuka. I had to punish myself for not helping you enough, not noticing how little you’ve eaten lately. And then I realized I was just making it about myself by doing it, and I felt even worse, and then I came here,” Kaworu said. He had to stop to catch his breath a few times, because it was still coming too quick and shallow to speak coherently.

“You noticed. You tried to get me to eat every ten minutes I was at your house,” Shinji reminded him.

“I didn’t try hard enough! I should’ve kept going.”

“No, I’m glad you stopped. I like that you never push me. I’m only here, getting _ some _ sort of help, because things got too bad,” Shinji said.

“You wouldn’t need help if things hadn’t gotten so bad.”

“Neither of us could’ve stopped it from happening. Anyway, I’m not even doing that bad. I mean, I just had a fainting spell, that’s all. I probably should’ve just walked it off.”

“You had a fainting spell after fasting for four days,” Kaworu sniffled.

“Four days is nothing. The people online do it for weeks.”

“You were thin to start with, and you’ve eaten at huge calorie deficits every day for months,” Kaworu said. He looked up, reaching to stroke his fingers through Shinji’s cinnamon hair. “And I didn’t do enough to make you eat. Look at your hair. It’s so much thinner than it was when we met…”

He was crying again, but it was sad instead of distraught, and Shinji kissed his forehead. “I’m going to… I’m not. I don’t want to recover,” he murmured, because he couldn’t quite figure out how to lie to Kaworu.

“I can’t lose you,” Kaworu said. His face was pressed into Shinji’s shoulder, though, so it was muffled enough that it could barely be made out. Shinji didn’t know how to reply to that. He just kept holding Kaworu, and Kaworu kept holding him, until a nurse poked her head in to tell Kaworu that she was sorry but he couldn’t stay any longer. He squeezed Shinji for a moment, then climbed back onto the ground, smoothing out his rumpled boxer shorts and shirt. He seemed sort of embarrassed to have been caught in the act of cuddling -- both he and Shinji were staring at the ground, faces red.

“Alright, bye, Shinji,” Kaworu said.

“Bye. Asuka will send you updates,” Shinji said. “I… I’ll see you later.” Kaworu nodded and left the room, glancing back as he was guided around the corner.

Shinji had almost said he loved him.

The next morning, after a fitful sleep -- Shinji had dreamt something about sitting on the beach with Kaworu -- he had more evaluations to go through. He did his best to quell any fears they may have had of anorexia nervosa, assuring them that he’d simply lost his appetite because of medication side effects. He’d never _ purposefully _ starve himself, definitely not. Yes, he’d talk with his psychiatrist about changing to a new drug. They seemed skeptical, but were ultimately glad to get him out of their hair. One less sallow-skinned teenager taking up a room was always a victory.

Shinji wasn’t sure how to feel once he was leaving the hospital with Misato and Asuka. He’d thought for a moment when he was laying on the ground that now he’d be unable to ignore how dire his situation was. That he’d start _ wanting _ to recover. But he didn’t. It would probably be harder to avoid eating, now that he’d physically fallen and (according to Asuka) slammed his head on the table on the way down. There was no way Misato would stand for his skipping meals after that.

He was delivered straight to his psychiatrist after the hospital, where he described his supposed side-effects and explained that the medication wasn’t working especially well, either. This was half true. It didn’t seem to have had much of an effect on his mood, so he didn’t mind getting switched to something else. Every doctor’s office, waiting room, and clean, white wall he’d seen in the past days had already congealed in his mind. The weekend was a rubbing alcohol-scented blur. Except for Kaworu.

Kaworu was knocking on the door of the apartment within ten minutes of Shinji’s return. Asuka let him in, then retreated to her room, not wanting to have to watch some tearful reunion between the two; Misato was at work. Kaworu seemed to have showered, his hair looking soft and shiny, his skin so pretty and so clear it reminded Shinji of stained glass. He was wearing long sleeves again, a hoodie with an emo band Shinji didn’t know screenprinted on the front, and straight-leg jeans. Completely trashed Converse, like usual. His eyes weren’t tired and red like they were at the hospital.

Shinji didn’t get to take all that in until Kaworu had entered the living room -- he was essentially chained to either his couch or bed and being force-fed crackers by Misato. Currently, he found himself sitting on said couch, watching the mid-afternoon 90’s cartoon slot on TV while wrapped in an impressively formed cavern of blankets. Kaworu was probably the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen when he stood to the side of the screen and waved timidly.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

“Come here,” Shinji said again in lieu of an answer. They were always telling each other to ‘come here’ these days, apparently. Kaworu smiled, toeing his shoes off and making room for himself in the blanket cavern. He tucked his knees to his chest and rested his head on Shinji’s shoulder. He sighed contentedly, and Shinji tried to get even closer. He was so warm.

“Answer my question,” Kaworu murmured, snaking an arm around Shinji’s waist.

“I’m okay. Misato is feeding me crackers relentlessly.”

“That’s good,” Kaworu said, nosing along his jaw. He pressed a kiss at its corner.

“You’re so touchy-feely,” Shinji said. Kaworu hummed.

“Do you want me to stop?” he asked.

“Not really,” Shinji said, though he was finding it increasingly hard to concentrate on the episode of Ren & Stimpy he’d been watching with Kaworu’s hair tickling him.

“So worried about you,” Kaworu said into his skin, sounding like he only half meant for Shinji to hear, linking their fingers with his free hand. The one that wasn’t distractingly holding Shinji close around the torso. He sighed and retreated a few inches. “I kept having this feeling like all I wanted was to hide away from the world and keep us both safe from hurting. I know that’s no way to live, and I couldn’t take you from your friends and family and everyone else just for my selfish desires. But I’m so weak. So now I’m here, pretending you and I are the only people in the world.”

Shinji gulped. It was… well… it was nice. But how was he supposed to deal with such overwhelming devotion? Reconcile it with the self-loathing he’d beaten into himself for the past seventeen years?

Apparently, by letting Kaworu stay in the apartment. By lending him some pyjamas once night came. Cuddling up to him under the covers, burying his face in Kaworu’s chest and letting him tell stories until they both fell asleep. Willing down the panic, forcing down the desire; they came in equal amounts, sometimes. By staying home from school the next day -- Misato and Asuka both refused to let him, too, not just Kaworu. When they had left for their respective jobs and classes, by teaching a bit more about cooking to Kaworu, who watched eagerly with a hand on Shinji’s hip. Even by letting Kaworu talk him into eating the chocolate chip pancake he’d made, just because the flour speckling his face made him incredibly convincing.

By pretending he and Kaworu really were hiding away from the rest of the world and its perils, just for a little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh oh, now you know my true intentions behind writing this fic: MAKING KAWORU AND SHINJI EMOTIONAL MESSES AND HAVING THEM HUG!! oh that was already obvious. ok. anyway i havent been to a doctor in like 8 years and ive never seen a mental health professional so i skipped past all that hahahaha sorry for the inaccuracies im sure its filled with. the real point was making shinji and kaworu cuddle, obviously. see you next week!! i think it might be... THE chapter... >:)
> 
> edit 10/5/19: i feel obligated to mention that i somehow forgot to add a title for this chapter but it has one now. lol


	11. KAWORU INTRODUCES SHINJIS INNOCENT MIND TO DRUGS

Asuka did find it funny that Shinji still thought he was only indulging his own desires when he let Kaworu sleep in his bed every night, because he would sheepishly rub his neck and blush when she brought it up. He remained convinced that Kaworu was just being friendly. When Kaworu mentioned it, it became clear that he thought _ he _ was indulging himself by sleeping in Shinji’s bed. They were _ hopeless. _ Asuka started getting worried they would fuse together at the arms with how much time they spent pressed together. They’d sit on the couch without talking or moving for what seemed like _ hours, _Shinji slowly forcing Ritz crackers into his stomach. He took tiny bites and drank a sip of water between each one.

Shinji was home from school for three days. Kaworu left only to grab a backpack of clothes on Monday morning before promptly returning to his side. Apparently, he did actually spend time on his own learning things, because he sat and helped Shinji do a few sheets of math work that Asuka brought back for him. The gentle voice he used when showing him how to do the problems and when praising him for getting them right was hideously adorable. Shinji’s face would go red in a pleased flush every time. _ Absolutely disgusting. _ (Actually, a little part of Asuka was happy for them, but she wouldn’t be caught dead admitting it.)

When Shinji finally returned to school, he was quite pleased to have Kensuke and Touji asking about how he was doing. He was almost surprised they’d actually noticed he was gone -- but to them, it was obvious that they’d notice, since he was one of their best friends and seemed to have been having a hard time lately. Even Rei’s eyebrows were tilted slightly in what was, for her, an expression of unfathomable concern. He promised to explain it to them at lunch, as long as they’d all meet where he sat with Kaworu every day.

Once the group had trudged out to the bench in the woods and respectfully averted their eyes while Kaworu pulled Shinji into a tight hug and kissed his cheek, Kensuke started waving around his camera and giving some overdramatic narration to the footage. Touji glanced around with his hands in his pockets. Rei stood near them, primly clutching her lunch in front of her, not wanting to intrude.

“I think I’m gonna tell them… something,” Shinji murmured to Kaworu, whose shoulder he was still leaning his forehead on. Kaworu nodded, linking their littlest fingers together. Shinji sighed and stood up straight.

“I didn’t even know this place was here…” Kensuke said, seemingly trying to capture every leaf and twig on video.

“Ikari is going to tell us something, so I think you should turn that off,” Rei suggested helpfully. Shinji nodded, grateful.

“Right. What’s up, Shinji?” Touji asked, cocking his head to one side. His gruff nature would never betray his concern, but Shinji had been reassured a hundred times that it was there, and he may have even been starting to believe that.

“Well… I was out for three days, right?” Shinji said. His eyes were studying the shoes of each person in front of him in turn.

“Yeah. We were all worried about you. What happened, dude? Mental breakdown?” Kensuke was snickering, camera tucked away at his side.

“Something like that,” Shinji said, laughing nervously.

“Oh.” Kensuke’s smile dropped.

“We’re glad you’re okay,” Rei supplied.

“Yeah… thanks… I was hospitalized for, uh,” Shinji said, voice gradually dropping until it was just a whisper. Kaworu squeezed his littlest finger. Shinji cleared his throat. It came out as a question: “Anorexia nervosa?”

“I thought that was something only girls get,” Kensuke mused.

Kaworu smiled stiffly. “Not at all,” he said politely, though there was a dangerous undercurrent to his lilt. Shinji had started sweating. It made him feel good, somehow, to be cared for, but he didn’t want this discussion to be too tense.

Touji smacked Kensuke on the back of the head, who glared back at him and rubbed at the site of impact ruefully. “Good going, his boyfriend is mad now.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Shinji protested weakly.

“Are you getting help?” Rei asked, unfazed by the shenanigans unfolding.

Shinji shrugged. He was relieved to have the subject changed. “I dunno. Not really. But I have some great support, now, I think,” he said, curling his pinky tighter around Kaworu’s and finally glancing up at the rest of his friends.

“That’s right! We’re all here for you!” Kensuke said, giving him a thumbs up.

“That’s really cheesy, but I’ll accept it,” Shinji chuckled, actually feeling a bit teary-eyed. It was hard for him to accept help. It was hard to believe that people wanted to help him. He perpetually thought of himself as worthless, undeserving. It wasn’t changing anytime soon. But he felt like maybe he’d let their enthusiasm soothe him, just for a moment.

“Do you want some of my lunch?” Touji asked.

“Well, no,” Shinji muttered, scratching the back of his neck. He _ was _ still anorexic, after all. Admitting it out loud didn’t make it any easier to fight.

“I’ll take some,” Kaworu said, and Touji entrusted him with a small pack of food, knowing he’d know what to do. Kaworu wasn’t bristling anymore; he liked Kensuke and Touji, anyway, though they could be oblivious at times. They were admirably caring and kind when they wanted to be. Besides, could Kaworu or Shinji really blame anyone for being oblivious?

“I always bring two meals, anyway,” Touji said, shrugging. “Gotta keep my energy up for the gym.”

“Naturally,” Kaworu said. The corner of Rei’s mouth quirked up for a second.

“Thank you guys,” Shinji said.

“No problem!” Kensuke and Touji said in unison.

“I’m here whenever you need me,” Rei promised. Shinji knew it was the truth. She had always been there for him when he’d found the strength to ask for it, after all.

“What she said,” Kensuke agreed. His reassurance was similarly appreciated. Though at a somewhat lower magnitude. Shinji nodded gratefully.

“Well, I have to go finish my math homework,” Touji announced, stretching and yawning. “I’ll see you later, Shinji.” He and Kensuke trotted away, Kensuke’s camera having made a return to its usual position in front of his face.

Kaworu turned to Shinji as Rei started heading towards her usual spot on the bench. He smiled. “That was great. I’m really proud of you.”

Shinji hated the way he felt when Kaworu said things like that. Still. Pleased and desperate and weak and filled with self-loathing. But he was learning to shove the guilt down.

“I just figured they deserved an explanation. And, uh,” he gestured to his bony arms, “according to popular consensus, which doesn’t necessarily reflect my views, I am very skinny.”

Kaworu giggled. “You are. Which is why I have to coax you into eating this sandwich now.”

Shinji groaned. “You say that like I’m a cat you’re trying to get into the bath or something. That stupid confession was so taxing -- just let me starve myself so I can feel better.”

Kaworu made a pouting face. “I know you’re mostly joking, but I hate that you feel that way.”

“I know,” Shinji sighed. He relented, collapsing onto the bench and letting Kaworu convince him to eat half of Touji’s sandwich. He did feel sort of energized after eating, though he still resented the feeling of fullness. And he felt lethargic once he got back to class. But the adorable, genuinely happy expression on Kaworu’s face might have been very nearly worth it.

Kaworu appeared at the gates of the school after the bell cleared students from the hall. Shinji was always one of the last ones out because of his tendency to stand by his locker trying to decide if he should even bother bringing textbooks home. He sighed, pulling his English workbook out -- he might as well attempt a studying session tonight. Maybe Kaworu could help him with it, because… he was standing in front of the school, apparently. Huh.

“Hi,” Shinji greeted as he approached. Asuka seemed to be chewing out an unruffled Kaworu about something. Kaworu was smiling and nodding; he seemed to be fully absorbing every word. When he heard Shinji, he turned and grinned.

“Hey! I’m gonna walk home with you guys.”

“_What _ is with _ Kaworu _ spending every day at _ Misato’s _ house all of a sudden, and why was _ I _ not asked to give my consent, because _ I for one _ \--”

“It’s a part of my recovery,” Shinji deadpanned, then smiled shyly when Kaworu motioned for him to give him his book to carry. It was only one, and it wasn’t even a big one, but he wasn’t going to stop Kaworu from enjoying himself. Asuka made exaggerated retching noises in the background. Shinji stuck his tongue out at her.

“I’ve got movies in my bag,” Kaworu said.

“You’re gonna watch them and cuddle all over the couch, aren’t you?” Asuka harrumphed, crossing her arms.

“I also have drugs,” Kaworu said. Asuka’s mood suddenly became chipper.

“Oh?” she said curiously. She was peering around the outside of the baby blue backpack slung around his shoulders as though doing so would let her examine its contents.

“Papers, grinder, and some weed,” he elaborated. He shrugged. “I was bringing it for Misato, but, y’know…”

“She won’t mind,” Asuka said confidently.

“Fucking Christ,” Shinji moaned. “What if the cops stop us?”

“They won’t! I’m totally inconspicuous.”

Shinji looked him up and down incredulously. He was wearing a floral button-down with half the buttons left undone, a heap of homemade bracelets on each arm, shorts with pinback buttons attached to the pockets, mismatched socks, and Birkenstocks. There were flowers weaved in his hair and a cigarette tucked behind his ear.

“I’m not sure about that.”

“Well, either way, I have that stuff in like four layers of Ziplocs. It’s undetectable to the human nose.”

“Shinji is so lame, he won’t even do something as harmless as smoke weed,” Asuka said, caring not at all about the volume of her voice.

“Shh!” Shinji shushed before remembering to reply to her accusation. “I’m not lame!”

“You don’t have to smoke any if you don’t want to. I won’t either,” Kaworu reassured him. He giggled. “But Misato and Asuka are probably going to be having a good time tonight.”

“I mean. I guess I’m curious,” Shinji said, shrugging.

“If Kaworu won’t peer pressure you, I will,” Asuka declared.

“If I have to do a pee test anytime soon you guys are dead,” Shinji muttered.

They arrived at Misato’s apartment with a bang. Literally. Asuka had a habit of kicking doors when she opened them, for some reason, and then she slammed her bag to the ground in the hallway. Shinji guessed she liked making noise.

“Misato!” Asuka called. “Kaworu has illicit substances for you!”

The door was still open -- Shinji glanced nervously at it and shut and locked it. Kaworu gave him a smile and shrugged.

“Oh, good,” Misato said, wandering into view. She also had to take a moment to absorb Kaworu’s clothing choices. “That sure is an outfit, Kaworu.”

Kaworu nodded enthusiastically.

“How much do I owe you?”

“Nothing. We’re all sharing, though,” Kaworu said.

“Shinji, you have such good taste in boyfriends. He’s adorable _ and _ he smokes me out,” Misato sighed blissfully. Shinji muttered for the thousandth time that Kaworu wasn’t his boyfriend, and it went unnoticed for the thousandth time.

“I also have movies. Uhh…” Kaworu swung his backpack to his front and dug through it for a minute. When he pulled his arm out, he was brandishing two DVD cases. “I’ve got What We Do In The Shadows and Shaun of the Dead. Halloween-themed. Unfortunately, I think you’ll have to provide refreshments.”

“No problem,” Misato said breezily, finally leading them out of the hallway and into the living room where Asuka and Shinji sat on the couch. Kaworu started removing the contents of his bag and setting them neatly on the table, and Shinji’s virgin eyes were assaulted with drugs and drug paraphernalia.

“Doesn’t weed have, like, a strong smell? What if we get in trouble?” Shinji worried.

“There are actual crackheads in this apartment complex, dude,” Asuka said in a bored tone. “No one’s gonna get uptight about a joint being passed around four people watching a movie.”

“It’ll be fine, I guarantee it,” Kaworu assured him. “I mean, Misato smokes sometimes, so it’s fine. It’ll be legal soon.”

Misato came back in the room then and put a few bowls of chips and candies on the table, then handed each person some water.

“Is all this preparation really necessary?” Shinji wondered aloud.

“You’re not gonna wanna get up,” Misato said, laughing. Shinji was just sort of sitting on the couch feeling like a hostage in his own home. Kaworu was now rolling a joint with excessively practiced motions, and Shinji tried not to look at his tongue when he ran the edge of the paper along it. He got up and plopped on the couch next to Shinji, bumping their shoulders together.

“We can go somewhere else while they smoke if you don’t want to,” Kaworu said softly.

“I want to try, I think,” Shinji said hesitantly, eyeing the lighter Kaworu was spinning around his nimble fingers. “Just tell me what to expect.”

“You might not even get high the first time,” Kaworu said, shrugging. “But if you do your heart might beat fast for a while, your limbs will feel heavy, and things will probably seem really funny. And you’re gonna think some weird, nonsensical thoughts.”

“It sounds like fun, at least,” Shinji offered.

“It is. And it calms a lot of people down.”

“Okay, I’m sold,” Shinji chuckled.

“Alright!” Kaworu said, bouncing a little. “This is gonna be great.” He put the joint between his pink lips and spun the wheel of the lighter a few times before getting the flame to catch. He inhaled, held it, and blew out smoke, then repeated the motion. (He had a cute smoking face. He had a cute everything, really.) Shinji wrinkled his nose.

“That’s the smell, I guess,” he said.

“It’s not that bad,” Kaworu said, shrugging and blowing another small stream of smoke out. He coughed a few times then handed the joint to Shinji. “Suck on it, then breathe another small breath so it gets into your lungs, then let it out. And… uh… you don’t have a tolerance, so just a few hits will be plenty. Too much weed can get really scary.”

Shinji nodded, eyes wide. He did as Kaworu instructed, and it fucking _ burned. _ Holy shit.

“Holy shit,” he said between coughing fits. He handed the joint to Asuka, waving his hand in front of his face frantically. Asuka was cackling as she grabbed it from him before taking two heroic hits and facing an equally heroic coughing fit. Misato rubbed her palms together excitedly before plucking it out of Asuka’s hands; she fared the best with the coughing fits.

“Baby lungs, all of you,” she said triumphantly. Shinji, for one, was still coughing and chugging water. He wasn’t sure if he was high -- was it supposed to happen right away? The joint was passed back to Kaworu, and the circle repeated a few times; Shinji managed one more hit before deciding to clock out.

“Am I high?” he asked, but then he realized he’d intended to think that. Which probably meant he was high. So he started laughing, but it was kind of uncontrollable, and when he leaned towards Kaworu’s shoulder it seemed to take a long time to reach. Kaworu was giggling, too, and he put an arm around him.

“Wait a second,” Asuka said slowly. “Movie. We’re watching a black screen.”

“Let me get it,” Misato said, climbing to her feet. Climbing because it seemed to take a lot of effort. Shinji lifted his arm, and it was pleasantly heavy. He giggled again. Kaworu was humming something.

“I think I’m high,” Shinji said. The movie was started. It was one of the two Kaworu had brought over. And it seemed very funny, though it was hard to follow what was going on in the plot because his mind kept wandering to think about tangentially related things for a while before he’d lose his train of thought like sand being blown away. Everything kind of felt good -- just running his hand up and down Kaworu’s thigh was a mesmerizing feeling. (He was touching Kaworu’s thigh, apparently.) And when they’d shifted so Kaworu was tucked into the corner of the couch with Shinji almost in his lap, arms around each other, it felt even nicer.

Eventually the movie ended and Shinji realized he wasn’t quite as high anymore. He could make coherent sentences again, at least.

“That’s why you’re always so chill,” he whispered to Kaworu.

“I wanna go to the zoo Saturday,” Kaworu whispered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god i just had to write this i really had to i hope you enjoyed that. this actually isnt THE chapter but im going to fucking do it next week i swear. which means it might be the last chapter, unless i decide to write some bonuses or something cause i do like this au. (originally i was gonna make The Weed Chapter a bonus chapter, but i had like half my words left and i couldnt resist)
> 
> edit 10/16/19: sorry everyone! ive had a really hectic week, i had to rewrite an entire 4000 word essay in two days and had a band competition from 9 am to 1 am on saturday and ughh :( unfortunately the last chapter is gonna have to be pushed back until next week! but dont fret because i do already have a couple hundred words of it written and i definitely wont abandon this fic right before the ending haha!


	12. happy ending

When his phone buzzed, Shinji didn’t even bother looking at his phone before jumping off his bed to his feet, running to the door with a quick goodbye to Misato, and bounding downstairs. He took the steps two at a time. Once he hit the ground floor he tried desperately to keep himself from running -- he didn’t want his excitement to see Kaworu to be obvious -- but it was too hard. His legs were itching to speed up, so he just let them. Sure enough, it was Kaworu’s car next to the curb, and he slung the door open and jumped into the passenger’s seat with an uncharacteristically happy grin.

“You sure are excited to go to the zoo,” Kaworu said, bemused.

“Just excited to see you,” Shinji said. He still couldn’t quite look Kaworu in the face when they exchanged things like that, but he was working up to it. Kaworu smiled and pulled out of the spot he’d made for himself. (Shinji secretly really liked watching him drive. His arms and shoulders looked nice when he changed gears.)

“I did research on the best zoo in the area,” Kaworu said. He was fiddling with the sound system, trying to get it to connect to Shinji’s phone so he could play music. Because his car was pretty old, looking like something someone’s grandpa would drive, he’d had to rig up some receiver to be able to play music from a phone. Kaworu could barely stand to go five minutes without listening to something, though, so of course he’d figured that out as soon as possible. Kaworu was a pretty carefree driver, if a bit oblivious at times. Which was probably dangerous. But Shinji found it cute.

“We’re not just going to the city one?” Shinji said, batting Kaworu’s fingers away from the stereo so he could connect his phone himself. It was far easier to do when you weren’t also trying to avoid car crashes.

“No, I really wanted to see tigers,” Kaworu giggled. “It felt very important to me in that moment that I see tigers.”

Shinji started giggling too, and navigated to put on the Malcolm in the Middle album. Kaworu sucked in a sharp, excited breath as soon as he heard the first bent notes at the intro of the first song. He bounced in his seat a bit.

_ “Yes,” _ he said emphatically. He knew every word, which was almost scary, because it was an excessively wordy album. Shinji had only picked up the more audible lines so far.

He was glad that he and Kaworu didn’t have to talk all the time. They could just listen to music, or even sit in silence; being in the presence of someone he got along with so well was enough on its own. Shinji wished he could hold his hand, but Kaworu’s grandpa car was a stick shift, so he settled for leaning on the center console, hugging Kaworu’s upper arm, and resting his head on his shoulder. It was still a bit awkward when he had to change gears, and Kaworu’s shoulders were bony, but he didn’t care much.

“It’s about an hour to get to the zoo,” Kaworu said once he’d merged onto the highway. Shinji nodded. He was a bit worried he’d fall asleep on him in that time, really. He liked being in the car, anyway, though -- he liked knowing exactly where Kaworu was and how he was feeling, and a long car ride meant Shinji had nothing else to do but shyly demonstrate his love in quiet questions and gentle touches. If he tried hard enough, he could pretend Kaworu felt the same. If he concentrated, it was like they were on a date. Kaworu sure liked buying him food, at least. And feeding him. And petting his hair, and putting an arm around his waist protectively. Like he was keeping him safe from all the social anxiety the world had to offer. (Like he was making sure everyone knew he was his.) It was… it seemed to be getting harder to think they were only doing these things as friends. But Shinji was stubborn enough in his low self-esteem to keep reassuring himself that Kaworu was just strange and definitely didn’t think of him the same way. It was the only way to keep himself sane, and it was the only way to make sure he wouldn’t be disappointed. He’d just waste his one chance at happiness until Kaworu got sick of playing games with him. That would be the least painful option.

If he told Kaworu he loved him and was rejected, it was all over. If he assumed he’d already been rejected and just hung onto him like a leech, pretending they were together, it could go on indefinitely. Until Kaworu found a prettier, more interesting boy.

“What are you thinking?” Kaworu asked then, prompting Shinji to hum and shrug. Kaworu had quickly developed a sixth sense that allowed him to notice when Shinji was thinking too much and ruining his own day. It happened a lot.

“Not much,” Shinji lied. “What animals I want to see.”

Kaworu nodded and hummed in return. “We have to see the tigers. And I like the reptile room, and the petting zoo, and the monkeys. And we should get ice cream -- nothing tastes as good as really unhealthy food when you’re at some place like the zoo.”

Shinji nodded. He closed his eyes. “How are you?” he murmured, tapping his fingers across Kaworu’s upper arm. He was wearing a lovely long-sleeve tie-dye. It was icy blue. Shinji wondered if Rei had made it for him as an art project.

“Mmm,” Kaworu said descriptively. Shinji nodded. “It never really gets easier.”

Shinji knew _ exactly _ what he meant.

“But I’m managing. I’m employing my healthy coping skills,” Kaworu chuckled. Shinji stroked his shoulder.

“That’s good. I’m proud,” he whispered. Kaworu nodded, eyes trained stubbornly on the road ahead.

“Thank you. It’s still… it’s always hard to get out of bed in the morning. But being around you makes me happier than anything else, so I like making time for you,” Kaworu concluded, voice reaching an almost inaudible volume by the end. Shinji loved him a lot. It was strange how people could spend so much time worrying about true love when, once you felt it, it rang like a clear little bell through your head.

“You make me happy, too,” Shinji said, smiling.

“After the zoo, we should get dinner,” Kaworu said after a few moments where the comfortable silence was interrupted only by incredibly noisy and hectic music. “We’ll burn a lot of calories walking around.”

“If you take me to the grocery store, I could cook you something at your house,” Shinji said, because he was pathetic and couldn’t resist. Kaworu beamed at the thought.

“I would love that!” he said. Shinji smiled again and tucked his chin towards his chest. He was a sick, sad person who daydreamed about being some kind of housewifish boyfriend cooking Kaworu’s dinner in a stupid frilly apron, but at least Kaworu was nice enough to let him live out his fantasies for now.

The rest of the ride passed with few other words spoken between them, just the sounds of Kaworu’s favorite album and his hand sometimes idly moving to rest on Shinji’s leg. When Shinji shut his eyes, he imagined that he was in a world where he could reach over and kiss Kaworu’s cheek whenever he wanted, and it was terribly easy to picture.

Once they arrived at the zoo, the parking lot was rather crowded. After all, it was a sunny, breezy Saturday afternoon. Shinji had to wear a sweater to keep what meager body heat he managed to generate to himself, but it would be pleasantly warm for anyone else. He and Kaworu probably both looked a little strange with their long sleeves, thin skin, and the dark circles under their eyes, and their habit of holding each other’s hands like a lifeline. But… it was Kaworu, and he was beautiful in his visible fragility, and he was kind to everyone, so Shinji felt beautiful and kind as well. The picture of fucked up teenage love.

They acquired their tickets and entered the gates of the zoo. The paths were paved nicely and the landscaping was quite lovely. It always pleased Shinji to be in nice, organized places like this.

“Do you think keeping animals in zoos is ethical?” Kaworu asked as they rounded on the first exhibit. They were standing on a bridge over a group of sunbathing alligators, resting their arms on the sides of the bridge and their chins on their arms.

“If the animal is one of the really smart ones, like the whales and stuff, it isn’t,” Shinji said, rocking his head back and forth in thought. “But if they’re in big, nice enclosures like this, and especially if they’re endangered, I think it’s okay.”

“Proper enrichment is important,” Kaworu agreed.

“It’s good to have places like this where people can learn about nature and feel a connection with it from a safe distance,” Shinji continued. Kaworu nodded.

“Pictures don’t really cut it. I can’t wait to see those tigers,” he muttered. Shinji chuckled.

“What’s with the tigers?”

“I dunno. I like cats,” Kaworu said, shrugging.

Shinji stood up straight, laughing. He set a hand in between Kaworu’s shoulder blades. “Come on, let’s go to the next exhibit.”

He started walking away, and Kaworu trotted after him. “What order are we going in?”

Shinji shrugged. “Counter-clockwise. But tigers come last, since that’s the most exciting part.”

Kaworu bounced excitedly on the balls of his feet and pulled the map he’d picked up at the entrance out of his back pocket. Said pocket was emblazoned with a sort of psychedelic looking floral patch, the other bearing various ironic sewn on pot leaf embroideries. His fashion sense was unbearable sometimes. He was actually wearing a _ fanny pack _ to carry his money and other essentials. A _ fanny pack._ According to the map, the next exhibit should be either the reptile house or the bug room -- they were directly across from each other, each an equal distance from their current location. “Bugs next,” Kaworu decided, folding the map back into quarters and returning it to the gaudy pocket. Shinji nodded in agreement and reached for his hand, making grabbing motions. Kaworu grinned and clasped their fingers together. Shinji swung their hands happily between them.

The bug room was cool and well-lit, with tanks full of bugs lining every wall. There were inset cases of fragile pinned butterflies in between. The visitors to the exhibit seemed to primarily consist of overactive, sugar-filled children and long-suffering mothers who were resting on the benches in the center of the room. Kaworu and Shinji’s calm demeanors as they stopped to quietly examine each insect in turn were in high contrast to everyone else. Once they’d watched countless crickets hopping about their cages, they decided to take a seat and watch the chaos.

“It’s interesting how kids don’t think bugs are scary until they’re taught so,” Kaworu mused. He was watching a group of little girls tapping on the glass of a tank containing a big, hairy tarantula.

“I didn’t think a lot of things were scary until I was taught so, I think,” Shinji said, remembering a time when he didn’t worry about the way he walked or the way he opened doors or if everyone he knew secretly hated him. Kaworu’s hand and his own were still wound together, resting in Kaworu’s lap. An old lady gave them a kind look.

“You two make a lovely couple. I can tell you love each other very much,” she said, then stood and gathered her grandchildren with a promise of ice cream to come.

Shinji’s face became unbearably hot. He ducked his head, trying to contain a smile that he was ashamed of. Kaworu had turned his head away and was giggling.

“I love that people see us and instantly know how sad and… uh… gay we both are,” Shinji mumbled, shaking his hair so it hung in front of his eyes for protection. “And it’s nice to get mistaken for someone who could be loved by someone.”

“You are someone who could be loved by someone,” Kaworu said, looking back towards him and smiling fondly. Shinji opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to force his traitorous stomach to stop flipping. He wondered if he’d inadvertently swallowed one of the insects they were watching earlier.

“We should go to the reptile house now,” he suggested shakily, standing and releasing Kaworu’s hand so he could wipe his own clammy one on his baggy jeans before returning it. Kaworu smiled again, and it was inscrutable this time, but he took the hand being offered and stood, allowing himself to be led out of the doors and across the pathway to the opposite side.

This building was dim, but just as chilly, and there were far fewer rowdy kids running around. It was mostly populated by older people taking a break from walking in the sun. Of course, Kaworu’s outlandish clothing stood out a bit more, but it didn’t seem to draw too much attention. Shinji was relieved. He typically spent entirely too much time wondering what others were thinking of him, but it didn’t bother him as much when he was with Kaworu, which made it easier for him to realize that no one really cared anyway. It was a comforting thought.

Kaworu ran his fingertips up and down the scales of the snakes through the glass with one hand and rubbed his thumb across Shinji’s knuckles with the other. It sort of sent little tingles all the way up his arm.

After the reptile room, they stopped to get ice creams. Kaworu got some chocolate fudge monstrosity for himself and a cup of plain vanilla for Shinji, at his request.

“You have to try just a bite, though,” he insisted after having miraculously smeared chocolate on such far-off places as his forehead despite having acquired the ice cream a maximum of thirty seconds ago. Shinji sighed, wetting a napkin at the water fountain on the side of the ice cream place and wiping the smudges away. Kaworu’s cheeks went a little pink as he grinned. “Thanks,” he said.

Shinji nodded, and dipped his head to lick at the ice cream cone; Kaworu tipped it towards him for easier access. It _ was _pretty good. Shinji didn’t mind vanilla, though.

According to the map, the next exhibit was the primate exhibits, followed by the tigers, and finally the petting zoo. They decided to first go to the petting zoo before circling back to the tigers and then hitting the gift shop on the way out. There was no way Shinji was leaving the zoo without buying some stupid souvenirs for himself and Kaworu.

“It’s kind of bizarre to see animals that are so close to humans in a cage,” Shinji muttered, taking tiny bites of his ice cream and following the monkeys’ paths as they swung from branch to branch. “There are gorillas, chimpanzees, and smaller primates over there, too.”

He looked over to Kaworu, who appeared lost in thought. Chocolate was dripping over his fingers as he stared into the monkeys’ enclosure.

“What is it that separates us from animals?” he wondered aloud, slowly drawing his hand towards his mouth and slipping his tongue out to lick the chocolate off himself. And, in that moment, when Kaworu was cleaning himself like a cat and Shinji felt some evolutionary instinct to shove him against the barrier and kiss him senseless, Shinji wasn’t sure what the answer was. He stared at Kaworu’s Adam’s apple as it bobbed when he swallowed. Then he got caught as Kaworu slowly turned to him with a sly, curious smile.

“What are you looking at?” Kaworu asked. Shinji shrugged, giving back a sly smile of his own and feeling a blush spread across his cheeks. For some reason, it didn’t bother him.

“Ask me later,” he said. He wondered how they’d ever be able to overcome the tension they’d created between themselves today. Maybe they wouldn’t have to. If he told Kaworu why he’d been staring. And Kaworu felt the same. Because he’d stepped into a strange alternate universe where he was a desirable and worthy person when he crossed the zoo’s threshold. Kaworu nodded, the same infuriating smile on his face.

“Gorillas next?” Kaworu suggested, turning away from the cage. Shinji followed. He tossed his empty ice cream cup in a trash can as he passed and took Kaworu’s free hand in his own slightly sticky one. The gorilla enclosure was massive, almost like they were looking into an entire forest from behind a pane of glass. They stared silently into the greenery for several minutes without seeing a gorilla while Kaworu finished his ice cream. He shrugged afterwards, proposing that they may be asleep, and he and Shinji moved on to see the small primates.

Kaworu cooed at them excitedly, voice on the verge of a squeal when he talked about their fluffy little heads. Shinji thought that maybe he was only at the zoo to watch Kaworu -- he had barely even paid attention to the actual animals. Whenever Kaworu got excited, he’d squeeze Shinji’s hand or shake it up and down.

“Look at that one!” he said, dropping Shinji’s hand and reaching up towards his own face in excitement. He laughed, reaching around to grab Shinji’s waist and point with his other hand at a little monkey that was… eating? It was cute, Shinji guessed. Kaworu seemed very enthralled with its tiny hands. He was cuter than the monkey.

He left his arm around Shinji as they started the trek to the petting zoo. He even tugged him closer as he told a joke, which made Shinji’s laugh come out startled and high. Not unpleasantly, of course. Shinji quite liked having Kaworu’s arm around him.

He was a bit scared to actually _ pet _ the animals at the petting zoo, instead mostly standing back and watching Kaworu as he kneeled and tried to coax animals into coming up to him. He may have also taken a few photos, which didn’t go unnoticed -- Kaworu turned to face him while he was petting a goat, beaming just about as widely as Shinji’d ever seen, while Shinji managed to take several pictures documenting how his face changed to one of shock and horror as the goat licked his cheek. Shinji laughed so hard and so long that Kaworu took it upon himself to escort him out of the stable that housed the animals, a hilariously adorable pout on his face. Shinji had to sit down and take deep breaths to recover. Kaworu had started giggling too, though.

Next up, the tigers, which had an enormous enclosure of their own but were luckily more often visible than the gorillas.

“Yes. _ Yes,”_ Kaworu said, tugging at Shinji’s shirt excitedly. “They are so orange.”

Shinji nodded in agreement. “They’re very orange.”

Kaworu was walking restlessly back and forth across the platform they were standing on to get better angles of the tigers, which were play-fighting in the middle distance. He stopped behind Shinji, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his chin on Shinji’s head. Shinji very nearly let out a squeak of surprise. Kaworu’s chest was very warm against Shinji’s back.

“This is exactly what I wanted,” Kaworu said happily.

“What, hugging me?” Shinji said, chuckling incredulously and trying in vain to look far enough upwards to see his face.

“That’s just a bonus. I wanted to see the tigers,” he clarified. Shinji sighed contentedly and covered Kaworu’s arms with his own. They stood there for a while, watching the tigers wrestle and listening to the crowds of people entering and leaving the platform. It was the middle of the afternoon by then, so there were families milling about. The tigers were eventually called to the back of their enclosure for lunch, though, and most of the people filtered back out into the general population of the zoo. After a few moments, Shinji turned around, careful not to dislodge Kaworu’s arms, and put his hands against Kaworu’s chest.

“We should stop at the gift shop on the way out,” he suggested. Kaworu was looking down at him, surprisingly thrown off -- his cheeks were tinted red, and he gave a shaky smike and nodded. Shinji felt a strange satisfaction at having succeeded in making Kaworu flustered.

At the gift shop, Shinji wouldn’t let Kaworu pay for anything. “You bought the tickets, and the ice cream, and you drove us here,” he reasoned as he slid his card to pay for two matching commemorative shirts and a fairly realistic plush tiger cub for Kaworu. Besides, he knew that Kaworu didn’t _ really _ like using his absent father’s funds that much; the idea of wasting the money didn’t bother him, but the idea of relying on his father did. And seeing the pleased little smile on his face after he stopped trying to deny it made it all worth it.

“To the grocery store by my house?” Kaworu asked as they finally returned to the car.

Shinji nodded, buckling his seat belt. “I’ll make whatever you want,” he said.

“Surprise me,” Kaworu said, grinning. “Put on some music.”

That was one of the little things Shinji loved about Kaworu: he always let Shinji play music in the car. He was the one who had interesting, well-read tastes -- Shinji had never even heard of half the bands he liked, but he still wanted to hear whatever pedestrian music Shinji decided to listen to, just because it was Shinji’s. Shinji had never been friends with someone before who was interested in the little things about him until Kaworu. Kaworu wanted to know things like his favorite music and his daily routine and how he was feeling. He wondered what he was going to do if Kaworu remembered to ask what he’d been thinking about earlier. He wasn’t a good liar, and he was sort of ready to get it over with.

And Kaworu had done a lot of suspicious things that day that Shinji wasn’t quite ready to unpack yet.

They arrived at the grocery store an album and a half later and were instantly thrown into what seemed to be a hellish labyrinth dimension. Shinji wasn’t a fan on the bright lights, elevator music, or hordes of people. However, Kaworu was an expert in fending off well-meaning workers, and he valiantly protected Shinji from their advances while collecting free samples for himself. Shinji didn’t take any that he was offered because he already knew he’d barely be able to allow himself to eat dinner.

“I think I’ll just make vegetable stir-fry, okay?” Shinji asked as he appraised the vegetable section and selected a promising bundle of green onions. Kaworu nodded emphatically. His mouth was full of a complimentary cinnamon-flavored rice cake that had been all but shoved into his hand by an especially aggressive employee. He seemed to attract them like moths to a light bulb.

After escaping the grocery store, which took far longer than necessary due to the bombardment of staff trying to assist them and Shinji’s inability to enter any aisle with too many people, Kaworu drove them to his house. It was nearing dinner time already, so Shinji began preparing the meal and giving Kaworu another small cooking lesson. Tonight’s was on techniques for wielding knives, since he had to cut up a lot of vegetables for the stir-fry, and Kaworu watched owlishly over his shoulder before setting about helping with the preparations. He was humming a melody Shinji didn’t recognize.

It didn’t take long for him to finish up cooking and plating, giving himself a small portion and leaving some leftovers in case Kaworu needed something easy to heat up in the next couple days. He knew depression could make it really hard to do simple things like that. When he told Kaworu, he looked relieved at the thought of not having to struggle to feed himself, though he still seemed worried about how little Shinji had eaten. Shinji resented the sad face Kaworu made when he saw how little he’d alotted to himself, just because he felt like he didn’t deserve that kind of care.

When they’d both finished eating, Shinji took the dishes into the kitchen to rinse them (Kaworu helped, because he simply wouldn’t allow Shinji to do it himself) and load them into the dishwasher. Kaworu had a dishwasher. A nice, fancy one. And while Shinji was drying his hands on a towel hung over the handle on the oven, Kaworu leaned against the dishwasher and crossed his arms. He cocked his head and looked quizzically at Shinji.

“What were you thinking about earlier?” he asked. Finally. Shinji had been waiting for it for all of dinner. He hummed, as though he were thinking of an answer.

It was really strange. He didn’t even feel nervous or anything. His face was heating up, and he had to clear his throat and swallow, but it was more like a reflex than anything else. “I was thinking about how badly I wanted to kiss you,” he said. Then let out a nonchalant chuckle, as if he’d just relayed a mildly amusing joke. Kaworu turned his head back to face the front and nodded. Shinji dropped the towel and walked to stand in front of him.

“I really love you,” Kaworu said. For once, he almost seemed more nervous than Shinji, because his voice came out a bit warbled and his face was nearly the color of red wine.

Shinji laughed again. Months of buildup, only for them to be standing in the kitchen while the dishwasher rumbled and they both stated their feelings as simply as if they were discussing the weather. It was almost anticlimactic. Shinji couldn’t _ stop _ laughing -- for the second time that day, he found his stomach aching from the force of it. He buried his face in Kaworu’s chest and rested his hands on his waist. Kaworu hesitated, then put his palms flat on Shinji’s shoulder blades.

“We’re both so stupid,” Shinji gasped. “I’ve been -- I’ve been worrying about this all so much, oh my God.”

“I tried to make it as obvious as I could, but it wasn’t working,” Kaworu mumbled, grinning anxiously. “I thought you didn’t like me and you were just being polite.”

“Oh my God. I thought _ you _ were being polite,” Shinji said. He was finally catching his breath.

“I took you on several dates!” Kaworu exclaimed indignantly.

“Look, the point is that we’re here right now and we love each other and I have to kiss you,” Shinji said. The words tumbled out of his mouth so quick they were almost hard to make out. He lifted his eyes to meet Kaworu’s. To _ really _ meet Kaworu’s. It seemed like the first time it had ever happened. From here, he could see how fine his hair was, how his eyelashes started at the root in auburn and fanned out into white, how there were minuscule constellations of reddish freckles dusting his nose that couldn’t be seen from any other distance. “Can I kiss you? Please?”

Kaworu nodded, pale lips parting.

Shinji leaned in. He had to lift himself up onto his toes just a little bit to reach. Kaworu’s hands moved to cup his face.

He’d never been so sure, and he’d never been so terrifed, and then their lips were touching and his mind had never been so blank.

That might have been what he’d been looking for all along, actually.

No fireworks went off, and no sweeping orchestra started up. They were just kissing. Kaworu was a nice kisser; he made Shinji’s knees sort of weak. He did that without the kissing, too, though. The way he breathed (kissing or not, but especially while kissing) made Shinji’s knees weak. The way he tilted his head and ran the fingertips of one hand through Shinji’s hair, over his temple and down to rest at the base of his neck, made Shinji’s knees weak. He made some embarrassing whimpering noise, too.

Kaworu pulled away. Shinji sort of trailed after him, which Kaworu found adorable. He stroked his face and leaned his forehead against Shinji’s.

“Stay the night,” Kaworu murmured. His eyes fluttered closed. “Not to do anything. I just want to sleep next to you. I want to take things slow. So slow. I want to learn everything about you.”

Shinji shivered at the way Kaworu’s breath ghosted over his lips. He nodded. Kaworu kissed him again. It wasn’t exactly chaste, because, as Shinji had realized, holding your mouth closed while kissing was actually quite difficult -- but it was sweet and tender more than anything else. It was nice to know he didn’t have to do anything more than kiss and cuddle. That if he panicked and stopped, Kaworu would never hold it against him. It was an alien feeling to feel _ safe _ around someone.

Kaworu brought him a pair of pyjamas and let him use his toothbrush, arguing that “We’ve already kissed each other, I don’t really mind if you use it.” Then they crawled into bed together and faced each other, only touching at the knees and the space between their chests where they intertwined their hands.

“You know,” Shinji said, giggling a bit, “not much is even going to change. We’re going to act exactly the same, except we’re going to kiss and maybe some other stuff later on.”

“We’re gonna have to make a big announcement about it, or else no one will even notice,” Kaworu muttered, amused, shaking his head the best he could against his pillow.

“I’ll just wait until they make a joke about us being boyfriends, and then say, ‘yeah, we are boyfriends, actually,’” Shinji said.

“Asuka will have a fit,” Kaworu chuckled. He was scooting closer, so his knees were between and under Shinji’s.

“Asuka has a fit about everything,” Shinji said, shrugging and pretending not to notice Kaworu’s slow advance. Kaworu put a hand under his chin and ran a thumb just under his mouth. “It’s really good to be able to date your best friend,” Shinji whispered.

“You’re so pretty,” Kaworu said. He was close enough to feel his breath again. Shinji shook his head.

“I should be the one saying that to you,” he insisted quietly. Kaworu was sliding his arms around him and pulling him close. Shinji tangled his fingers in Kaworu’s hair.

Kaworu kissed him until they were too sleepy to move their mouths anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THIS CHAPTER IS 2X AS LONG AS ALL THE OTHER ONES I REALLY WANTED TO JUST GET THEM TOGETHER OK  
I HOPE IT WAS EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED, I HAVENT READ IT OVER AT ALL SO I DONT KNOW!!!!  
THERE WILL PROBABLY BE AN EPILOGUE NEXT WEEK AND THEN WERE DONE!!


	13. epilogue

“This is awkward,” Touji grumbled. Misato was sitting at the table, chugging a beer and looking from each standing teenager to the next. Touji had a hand in Kensuke’s back pocket; Asuka had one arm around Hikari and one hand in Rei’s; Kaworu and Shinji were clinging to each other, though that was nothing new, so everyone assumed they were just being Kaworu and Shinji.

“We should’ve planned this better so you two wouldn’t have tried to come out at the same dinner as us,” Asuka muttered, glaring daggers at Touji and Kensuke.

“At least Kaworu and Shinji still haven’t figured out whatever is going on with them yet, otherwise we’d have a real conflict on our hands,” Kensuke sniggered.

“No, we’re dating now, too,” Kaworu piped up.

“Congratulations,” Rei managed to say in the moment before shit hit the fan and everyone started groaning (or yelling obscenities, in Asuka’s case) at once.

When they ate dinner, it was the same as always -- except everyone was being teased instead of just Kaworu and Shinji. School lunches were the same, but Shinji would kiss Kaworu’s cheek when he greeted him and said goodbye to him. Sometimes Asuka and Hikari would come and sit with Rei. Or they’d drag her off to sit in the field in front of the building and make flower crowns. (Kaworu and Shinji usually spent a lot of time kissing on those days.) After school, Kaworu held Shinji’s books and walked him home. He stayed over even more often. Shinji and Kaworu still spent most weekends descending upon every quaint little café within an hour’s drive.

Shinji was right: nothing changed, except for the fact that Kaworu now spent ungodly amounts of time gazing at him adoringly, tracing fingers along his cheeks reverently. Kaworu would brush his lips against the corners of his eyes, the corners of his mouth, the tip of his nose, the tip of his chin. They spent more nights in the same bed than in separate ones. Kaworu would tell him a million times how much he loved him, all the ways he loved him, all the whys and hows of loving him. He didn’t stop until Shinji believed him. And he’d do it all over again the next day, when Shinji had forgotten. He reminded Shinji how lovely he found him with poetic, vital phrases. He tucked locks of hair behind his ears while he lifted spoonfuls of soup to his mouth. He held him close when his thoughts got the better of him and he couldn’t stop crying. He linked their arms, their hands, guided him with a hand on the small of his back wherever they went. He reminded Shinji how lucky he felt to be with him.

Shinji kissed Kaworu’s fingertips. He told Kaworu how proud he was for every day that went by without hurting himself, and he held his shaking hands when all he wanted was to run the razor across his arm, and when he was too late to stop him he’d help him clean and bandage himself. He listened when Kaworu’s voice trembled and all he could think about was what a terrible person he’d become -- and he reassured him that it wasn’t true, that he was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He helped Kaworu apply to the local community college, get a job at the supermarket, and he played every cello piece Kaworu wrote with enthusiasm. He never stopped telling Kaworu how much he meant to him, that he couldn’t believe he was his, that he was happier than he’d ever been all because of him.

And, eventually, after a lot of long nights and hard work, the days when Shinji was too weak to stand and Kaworu’s hands were covered in blood became less and less common.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise! one day early, since ill be busy tomorrow... and its short and sweet and done :)  
i hope you enjoyed this fic, and thank you all for the lovely comments youve given me. theyve really kept me motivated all this time. and hopefully this was a satisfying conclusion. i may write some codas or something later if anyones interested. awkward first time!fic anyone?? or elaborate on touji/kensuke and asuka/rei/hikari??? who knows!!


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